Friday, May 07, 2010

Lem bit dust

Image from

Lembit Opik. It sounds like the name of a half-man, half-biscuit cartoon character but does, in fact, belong to the Liberal Democrat Member for Montgomeryshire in Her Majesty's Government. Or rather he was until nineteen minutes ago. The Welsh seat has gone to a Tory with the very Welsh name of Glyn Davies. More's the pity as we at Seat of Pants (which we are pleased to announce that we have held despite a strong showing by a fierce south westerly), quite fancied the idea of a coalition Labour/Lib Dem Government with Lembit as the Minister for Bodylicious Babes and Offworld Threats. Lembit is famous for his 'an asteroid will destroy the earth' chat-up line. It sends weathergirls into lathers of lust despite emitting from a mouth that is clearly being operated remotely. Go figure.

We have been following the British election here in Larrikin's End with some excitement. Britain normally does chaos fairly well but we do believe a special commendation is in order for the breathtaking fiasco that saw thousands of voters turned away after waiting for hours in the cold to exercise their democratic right. Not enough staff. Not enough ballot papers. Scuffles in the booths. Possible fraud. Who says Britain hasn't learned anything from its involvement in Iraq and Afghanistan? We are wondering if the people who did get to vote got their fingers dipped in ink as a reward.

The question Why has just poured itself a contemplative chardonnay. It's a bit baffled as to why the politicians spent weeks enticing people to the polling booths and then got a terrible shock when they showed up. I suppose it is a bit unusual for British politicians to have the public heed them in any way, but it did seem likely that the turnout would be high. With detailed instructions available on the web telling you how to exercise a deviously clever tactical vote, it sounded like more fun than World of Warcraft. Perhaps they thought they hadn't quite pissed people off enough to tear them away from EastEnders. This should help a lot. Don't bother emailing us about this. We do know that it is not the politicians who set up the booths but we are thinking that someone might have come up with a better plan than locking the doors at 10pm.

Anyway, we have been following progress all day on and enjoying their Downing Street Fighter game. It is comforting to see that someone is taking this dour business seriously. We like the idea that there will be a hung parliament - we will bring our knitting. We don't want the Tories to win so we would be quite happy with a Labour/Lib Dem coalition, particularly as we don't have to put up with it. We would also like to see Nick Clegg as Prime Minister. We think he may be just as phony as Gordon 'Scrooge McDuck' Brown but we enjoy making up names for people - we are thinking Foghorn Clegghorn - and Downy Street probably needs new curtains. We are just sad that the new parliament will have to do without Lembit Opik as we would not have had to make up a name for him. Although Sputnik Opik might have been nice...