Thursday, May 06, 2010

Dyer Straits

Image from
where you will also find a very thoughtful biographical essay.

One of the top FAQs here at Seat of Pants is, 'anyone know what Danny Dyer is up to lately?'

The question Why and I often ponder this over our elevensees chardonnay. Then Barney usually comes in with our eggs Vladivostok and tells us he's just swept the Canning Tan Tearaway up with the sawdust from one of his ubiquitous vodka bars and packed him off to his day job at quality geezer mag Zoo, where he carries on acting like, well, a bit of an animal.

Looks like the pepperoni might have escaped from the Y-fronts this week as advice columnist Dr Dyer finds himself pilloried for counselling what, in Canning Tan, would have been run-of-the-mill wisdom. The whole deliciously distasteful business is covered in one's adored Guardian newspaper.

Never mind the sordidity, feel the width! In a classic Eastender 'bang to rights' denial, Dr Dyer claims to have been misquoted. It weren't me wot you caught guv.

'This is totally out of order,' he told The Sun newspaper, 'I am totally devastated. I have been completely misquoted. This is not the advice I would give any member of the public I do not condone violence against women.'

Here at Seat of Pants Chambers, we might find the defendant innocent on the grounds of diminished responsibility. As far as we're aware, there are no rules beyond the A13 much less social conventions condoning respect for human life. In fact if anything were above board in Canning Tan, we would definitely regard that as worthy of comment. We would therefore submit to the beak, we mean, his or her honour, that our client should be hung upside down in an abattoir until such times as his brain returns to its rightful if unfamiliar location. We believe this is the traditional Eastend way of sorting such matters. We do not know yet how we would deal with our learned opponent's point that it is not really possible to be misquoted if you have a byline. We imagine we could get around that with a substantial bribe.

The question Why and I are baffled as to how, with all these geezer movies coming out, that the Dyerama hasn't shot to superstardom. Jason Statham is well 'andsome but he ain't no Danny Dyer. Ray Winstone is well 'ard but he ain't no Danny Dyer. Ben Kingsley is well, you know, but he ain't no farkin' Danny farkin' Dyer. Clearly, if there is to be a movie featuring a lead character with a vocabulary in the single figures and whose presence just manages to scrape together a lone dimension, surely Dan's your man.

The question Why and I will retire to chambers where we will concern ourselves with the more pressing problem of who we will now turn to for advice regarding life matters.