Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Quake Quack

Bad girl by Pants

When women have sex the earth moves. Who knew? In fact, we're much more powerful than that, according to Iranian cleric, Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi,

"Many women who do not dress modestly ... lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which increases earthquakes."

All we have to do is pull on our skinny jeans and seismic ruptures result. It's like Poltergeist, but without the house. A terrageist, if you will. Sedighi was speaking at Friday night prayers following the recent devastating earthquake in China. Tehran is a particularly earthquake-prone area and this does seem to be a particularly earthquake-prone time.

"What can we do to avoid being buried under the rubble? There is no other solution but to take refuge in religion and to adapt our lives to Islam's moral codes," he intoned.

Or possibly take refuge in towns and cities not built over multiple fault lines and review current building codes? Just a suggestion.

"A divine authority told me to tell the people to make a general repentance. Why? Because calamities threaten us," Sedighi continued.

Calamities? Well, I suppose it's either repentance or extra insurance cover. Repentance is undoubtedly the cheaper option. Those insurance companies just suck you dry at the barest sniff of risk.

"The political earthquake that occurred was a reaction to some of the actions," Sedighi warned.

Hey? We're in metaphor now? Is he talking about the abortive, corrupt elections that resulted from all this rigorous practice of high morals?

"And now, if a natural earthquake hits Tehran, no one will be able to confront such a calamity but God's power, only God's power ... So let's not disappoint God," he concluded.

Okay, we're back on physical shaky ground, although I'm a bit confused about the order of events. Are we talking 'a closing the stable door after the horse has bolted' scenario here or are we still risk managing a la Trinny & Susannah?

Iranian welfare minister, Sadeq Mahsooli, also thinks prayers and pleas for forgiveness are the best "formulae to repel earthquakes".

Formulae? Sounds very scientific. How does it work?

"We cannot invent a system that prevents earthquakes, but God has created this system and that is to avoid sins, to pray, to seek forgiveness, pay alms and self-sacrifice," he said.

Mmm, sounds complicated. I'd just move to a more stable area, politically and geophysically. Let me offer a scientific 'formula' of my own. I have been in several earthquakes but, curiously, not at times when I was having great sex, or even sex at all. This is either a counter theory or the exception that proves the rule, I'm not sure which. I was never that good at maths. Anyway, as far as I know, Larrikin's End has no history of earthquakes and I feel sure I can guarantee that situation will continue into the foreseeable future. Larrikin's End is not blessed with eligible men. On the other hand, it boasts a frightening quantity of outlets selling tarty clothes. Make of that what you will.

I think we have the mootings of a strategy here. Now all I have to do is convince the Prime Minister, Mr Kevin Rudd, to ease up on his immigration hard-line stance. I'm sure once he knows we're on the cusp of a great scientific breakthrough, he'll repent, er, I mean relent. I love it when a plan comes together...

PS : Ms O'Dyne emails to inform me that an earthquake has hit the Western Australian mining town of Kalgoorlie this morning. As Kalgoorlie is a remote town full of lonely, cashed-up miners around which a requisite service industry has bloomed, Ms O'Dyne suggests to me that the mullah may have a point. Spooky.

All quotes from Associated Press