Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Me and my shadows

Me and my shadow by Pants

I've made it no secret that I do not like to be surveilled by anyone at any time. I would have felt really creeped out in London if it weren't for the fact that I knew few of the million CCTV spy cameras they had trained on us were monitored or even active. I don't like anyone knowing my business, which is why I lie to you with a regularity that borders on pathology.

This blog is an extension of my fictional self, which makes tracking it a lot of fun. The paradigm displacement adds layers of richness, like a global game of Chinese whispers. Sometimes irony gets ironed out in one link and crushed back in further along the chain. A good example is a post I did on Vivienne Westwood's 'inspired by homelessness' collection. First it showed up on the business pages in Bloomberg and was then picked up by the blog of an actual homeless guy. Now that's what I call a double dollop. Delicious.

I've gotten used to being routinely hooked by wikio and blogged. I always go onto wikio and vote for myself. Yes, I am truly that sad. I have no idea whether on not there is ever a prize. I guess if Giorgio calls - any Giorgio, I'll just scream, hyperventilate and wonder what to do next. Actually, I'll email Cate Blanchett and ask if she's got any hand-me-down maternity-fit designer gowns. I can get a loan for the Birkenstocks.

For a couple of days this disdainful appraisal of the TV advertorial 'documentary' to promote the film of the never-to-be This Is It tour was on the front page of the Michael Jackson International Fan Club site. I got only the second snarky email I've ever had in my life over it. Can you believe it? After all the horrid things I say? According to Deb T, I am 'a sad, bitter person', and 'immersed in my emptiness'. You see what insight and eloquence I attract, even from adversaries?

There have been some embarrassing ongoing relationships like this one with the car auction place where the Pantybago and I teamed up. Unfortunately for me this post is called 'Every Cloud has a Pantyliner'. Is there no one to read through these things before testimonialising them? I don't suppose search software is sophisticated enough to clock the lampoon yet. I might have to start using the sarcmark now that it's free. I was never going to pay US$1.99 for a device whose job it is to give directions to your current position. That would be like paying for a banana to be wrapped in plastic or giving someone a reward for locating your lost dog when it is running around in your own back yard.

Italy Down Under, the website for all things Italo-Antipodean, throws down the anchor every time I mention Italy - oops, there I go again.

But now the virus has gone deadly. My post on the Jesus mini-installation I did on Hackney Marshes has been lassoed by The USA Church World Service. Isn't there a commandment that says something like, 'though shalt not bear false witness?' It's only a matter of time before someone sets up a cult now. I had better get started on a science fiction book and fill out an order for a couple of Barbie pink Bentleys then.