Monday, January 18, 2010

Westwood ho, ho, ho


Image from timesonline


Demented dame deluded by domelessness, er, I mean homelessness? Holy haberdashery Batman, why didn't anyone else think of this? 

"Well, your astute pantsliness, Ben Stiller did in Zoolander,"chips in The Times of London, in lieu of Batman who is clearly not in a position to comment on fashion.

But Stiller was kidding, wasn't he? The rag routine in Zoolander supposedly inspired by street people in New York City was a front for a far-fetched scenario in which thick-as-a-plank-factory modelslashactor, (or is it actorslashmodel), Derek Zoolander gets sucked into assassinating the Prime Minister of Malaysia. Come to think of it, not a million miles away from Westwood World where irony is more than just something you do to clothes before you toss them on anorexics.

Off her trolley or what? Let's take a closer look. What better time to exploit the discomfort of the desperate for nation-rallying capital gain than the depths of the coldest winter her royal ruffleship's native Britain has seen in thirty years? As financial despair hits more and more people in the City of London where her regal realestateliness keeps a substantial bricksandmortardom, it must be a thrill for those fighting over usable cardboard from which to construct a meagre shelter to think that they are being parodied on the catwalks of Milan for such a culturally enriching pursuit as haute couture

The charming edginess of this bastion of the seamstressing avant-garde predictably enchanted the globe's assembled fashion editors. "It is a little close to the bone. The clothes were fantastic though," quipped one wit with Brunoesque insight. In these straitened times, it's important not to over-sentimentalise and to focus on what's quintessentially important for all of humanity. Although obviously a tragedy, hypothermia is a fact of life and a magnificent marketing opportunity.

After the show, her esteemed bustleship paid tribute to the rugged rough sleepers who graciously donated their humility to the spiritual fulfilment of the Westwood wallet with an empathy that recalled the late Princess Diana,

"The nearest I have come to [homelessness] is going home and finding I don't have my door key. I mean, what a disaster that is, dying to get into your house and you can't."

A little tough love never goes amiss. Show some compassion by all means but let's remind people that, when it comes to facing life's Everest of daily challenges, we're all in the same boat.

Then she unleashes the full power of her awesome meta physicality concluding,

"And what if it wasn't there anymore?"

There but for the grace of Madonna's vanity...You can't help but feel you've been visited by genius.

There was an embarrassment of wisdom abroad in Greater Lomardy as her supreme daftshoeship, in an act of admirable self-sacrifice, offered up an unorthodox personal approach to fiscal restraint,

"I'm saying to people as well, buy less (sic) clothes. Only buy things when you really need them and really like them. Wear them and wear them."

Talk about an enigma wrapped up in a vintage God Save the Queen T-shirt accessorised by Tiffany. Like all sagely pronouncements, it appears on first reading to be a paradox. Enlightenment arrives with the revelation that it's a one-size-fits-all philosophy for the betterment of the planet. 

Her holiness the apparel angel transcends the merely mercantile and textile. She is telling the people at the Milan show it's okay to buy what they like because they will really like it. Why would they not? They would not even be at the show for reasons other than need - a given of impeccable credentials. Furthermore, they need not bother attending any other shows after this one, having been fully satiated and empowered with a zen-like ambivalence towards additional possessions, not to mention a deep respect for the dispossessed whose intellectual property they have appropriated. 

The message to those adorable, inspirational homeless people, (who, let us be very clear on this, have no claim on these designs as once we have seen them, they are ours - that's how it works, ask any captain of industry), is that it's cool to wear what you wore yesterday, although clearly that's a choice you would only make if you found yourself in the unthinkable situation of having your door key lost along with the rest of your luggage on your return flight from Milan and having to crash at the home of a friend who is not your size. 

Homelessness, it's just a lost door key away... (note to self and by extension whole world - idea for badge).

Malcolm, get me Hamnett, now!