Monday, January 25, 2010

Stray Day


Stranded  by Pants


Tomorrow is Stray Day. It's what Barney and I would once have called a Bank Holiday except Barney has no holidays from banks these days because he is the bank. As he is fond of saying, 'if life hands you lemons, call Hiner Saleem'

Barney has done exceptionally well with his six, (as finally negotiated with the World Health Organisation), lives. Several of them have busied themselves mixing him Margheritas, while a couple of the others have keenly shrewded themselves on matters real estate. Thankfully, he has directed one of them to my occasional pedicare. Barney is, unfortunately, the only one capable of interpreting the instructions of the 'similar-to-as-seen-on-TV' foot grooming machine I received for Christmas from Ma Pants. 

Barney received a G-V and a year's membership at chi-nail bar and organic spa, Beverly Hills from Ma and Pa Gates. He offered to bankroll a luxury pumice-stoning for me but I thought, nah, I like the idea of at least a fifth of him retaining some respect for the pet/owner dynamic.

What will we be doing tomorrow to celebrate our 'strayness'? Barney, of course will be in his element. He always planned to open all 419 of his Goblet of Fire Vodka Bars simultaneously. I suggested this could be a problem as 419 doesn't divide by six, and what if I wasn't was satisfied enough with my pedi-situation to release one of his indentured selves? 

Barney immediately consulted his facebook pal euclid who worked out that all he needed to do was open an extra bar, schmooze me with some vintage champagne and a Dane Bowers on Celebrity Big Brother Highlights DVD and the problem would be solved. How well they know me.

The result has reverberated nationwide. Clearly not even Barney with his underworld contacts could get planning permission to open a conventional bar in twenty-four hours. Once again he turned to facebook. Aristoprah, it has to be said, is a marketing genius for coming up with this idea. Barney simply declared the entire of coastal Australia his 420th bar and gave it the special name of Vodka Rocks

The Australian Commonwealth has announced it will be issuing him with a bill for AU$250m for lost productivity. Barney intends to plea-bargain that down to $4.13 on the basis that the workers who skived off were by the accuser's own definition 'un-Australian bums who have no concept of mateship' and, by extension, not citizens of this country. He therefore contends that he should bear no responsibility for foreigners behaving badly in his establishments that were erected for that very purpose. 

Barney is prepared to reimburse Kodine Asprin (18) her full hourly wage. He freely admits he detained her causing her to be 35 seconds late for her job at Wings of Desire (formerly Chick Bits. They now guarantee their frying process involves no trans-fats but the food is still pretty much just chicken wings). Ms Asprin, it appears, did not understand that when Barney offers to 'poke' you, he is just showing off his ability to be in several places at the beginning of each month. 

Barney apologised with nauseating profuseness for his error of judgment. He also threw in the annual membership to chi-nail bar and organic spa as a reconciliation gesture. Ms Asprin turned him down flat but did negotiate a 5-year unconditional anytime deal with Ally Shi of Newtown, Sydney. You go, girl.

I think it will be a quiet day for me tomorrow. I'll be viewing Barney's triumph from a safe distance with my crate of Bollinger, Grande Annee 1997, (absolutely my year). There will be plenty of guys like Trevor (above), waking up on Thursday morning and they will see me heading off in the G-V. So I changed my mind about the Beverly Hills offer...