Saturday, May 31, 2008

Pants in Transit (with apologies to Venus)

Into the Sunset - the view from my bedroom window

Greetings from Winnebago of Pants, that is the road wreck otherwise known as my life. Through the generosity (or perhaps insanity) of Ms Ann O'Dyne I am now curled up in rural Victoria in a place called Yeo which I am assured is pronounced Yo! as in Yo! Blair or Yo! Sushi. True to her word (and Barney's continuing amusement), Ms O'Dyne appeared at Melbourne's Tullamarine Airport wielding a large sign with 'Pants' scrawled on it in waxed crayon, despite my entreaties to her that I wished to remain incognito. I had suggested that she might hold up a typed, laminated placard reading Welcome Mr Sakimora of The Intelligent Design Group, but no, that would have been too sensible.

Ms O'Dyne has taken Barney off to Ballarat for a few days, He has been invited to speak at the inaugural 'Out of the Bottle' conference. This is not, as you might imagine, a convention of winos - although Barney is getting to be a bit of an expert in that area - but a celebration of the positive aspects of being the product of genetic modification. I am to spend the time getting down to some serious writing. I have little else to do except keep warm, confront the mystery that is the Apple Mac and develop a relationship with twenty-two chickens. I have learned several things already from the life changing experience of being on a farm. The first is that if you go to a shop and buy free range eggs that have bits of straw, feathers and lathers of excrement on them, you should be aware that these embellishments have been added in a factory by child labourers because real liberated chickens produce perfectly pristine eggs. I have also discovered that it is not that difficult to keep a fire going as long as you have a blowtorch handy and nothing better to do than stand waving a newspaper all day. I would be grateful if someone would explain to me why it is that bush fires can seemingly ignite themselves from the butt of a cigarette and burn for days but when you deliberately start a fire in a hearth, it requires constant fanning and a bumper packet of heat beads to keep it going. 

I have to say that Barney has coped with the move to Australia admirably which is more than can be said of me. While I've been scouring the country for my tax file records and my misplaced peace of mind, he has already been nominated for an Order of Australia, turned down a job teaching genetics at Monash University and become engaged to Cate Blanchett's baby. I was all for him taking the teaching job as we need an income but he assures me that he's fairly certain we can get by on his inspirational speaking. Rather unfortunately, the farm has a copy of I'm OK, You're OK and it has given Barney some strange ideas. He has, for example, taken to lecturing me on blue sky thinking! I intend to return the compliment by fully acquainting him with my full treatise on the subject of sticking it where the sun don't shine, baby, just as soon as I have finished a draft of my new book. Given that I have had a complete mental collapse, it has all been progressing alarmingly well.

Whereas I have had a complete crisis of identity, Barney has embraced the genetological smorgasbord that is Australia and, in particular, his newest 'relatives'. Uncle Bob and Buddy (pictured) are the latest addition to the Greater Family of Pants. 

Warning - Not a toy

They are Spoodles - a hypoallergenic dog that doesn't shed hair all over your black skirt but still eats your homework, as Niece Pants was relieved to discover. Barney has insisted on becoming Codfather (a sort of religious mentor in hybrid terms) to these adorable innocents. Already they are behaving abominably. Go figure.

So, I am somewhere and nowhere, doing nothing and something. I wonder what the poor people are up to. Barney will you please go practise your affirmations elsewhere! Thank you.


JahTeh said...

I've been watching the temperature up your neck of the woods and kept thinking, "Pants has just arrrived from cold England, she'll be right" but I wasn't sure about Barney. Get him off the vodka and onto Rutherglen port, that'll warm his heart.

That's So Pants said...

Hi Jahteh

Don't be giving the little bugger any ideas.



Reading the Signs said...

Pants, I think you and Barney should get married. Snap him up before someone else spots his lucrative potential. But anyway you know, your life sounds - I'm sorry, but it does - just so very rockandroll in an on the road kind of a way and now, having been writing up a storm at your Ma's house, you say you are getting down to some "serious writing." Chickens or no, I'll admit to feeling a touch envious.

Dame Honoria Glossop said...

So I guess a Spoodle would be spaniel x poodle. I wonder what a bulldog x shih tzu would be called?

R.H. said...

Savers half-price sale yesterday. I got a shirt and pair of trousers.

Shirt $5.99 -half price $2.99.
Pants $7.99 -half price $3.99.

All set to take you out baby!

Women like a man who knows how to dress!

(Clothes make the man -that makes out with women!)

ha ha ha!

That's right.


R.H. said...

Miss O'dyne is a notorious drunkard.

Banned from Ballarat.

The Way of the Grape.

That's So Pants said...

Hi Signs

You don't know the half of it (see RH below).

Your Dameship

Superior wit - breeding will out as they say.


It just keeps getting better



Jen said...

I'm all confused about animal cross-the-border laws as I know there's been a tonnage of changes lately. ie: I could bring my cat, Cabbage, to the UK wihtout fuss and without jail-time for 6 months but cannot to Aus. .. how did your Mr. Boy handle that? Or is a UK to AU transplant not a party to that?

I tease myself with fantasies of my boy and me hiking the world, although I know he's not up to it, I'd preferably blame it on the country regs. :)

Thanks for the email reply, I'll be in touch.

Wisewebwoman said...

It sounds like old Barn is having the better time of it, gainfully employed spewing out his wisdom to all and sundry and mentoring on the side...
Good luck on the writing, my own special muse has been sleeping and my pages have been limp.
I trust this isn't a global malaise?

That's So Pants said...

Hi Jen

You need to scroll back over the whole saga of Barney's immigration problems. It's a question of classification. Once we got him authenticated as an interactive Bagpuss, it was all systems go.


Beginner's luck as far as Barney is concerned. Sorry to hear about the muse loose. In my case it's more like muse abuse at the moment - not that it gets me anywhere mind.



phil said...

Jen, iIf anyone has a cabbage called cat, I'm calling AQIS. Mind you, stranger things have happened.

So, Pants 'n AOD, how did the richly virtual blogosphere become the virtually real world? Did youse (note regional pronunciation) know each others beforehand, or something?

Sorry, sumfin.

That's So Pants said...

Hi Phil

You couldn't make it up really. Although Ms O'Dyne and I didn't know each other personally, we quickly discovered we had an acquaintance and some experiences in common. in this case it was a small world.



Ms Baroque said...

Well Ms P dear, it all sounds fine to me. I know you say you have left your peace of mind behind and all that, but you sound on top form, so something is working. Barney must be such a comfort to you, and how wonderful that ?Ms O'Dyne was willing to take him on board as well as you and your novel!

The whole set-up seems very cosy - and also exotic in a really-not-Hackney kind of way.


That's So Pants said...

Hello Ms B

No Dottie dear we definitely ain't in ackney no more, innit.



Ms Baroque said...

I'm glad to see you still remember the lingo, though... did you happen to see the Cockney free-verse slang over at my place? Warmed the cockles of my poison dart, that did.

That's So Pants said...

Hi Ms B

I'll be over to check it out. You'll have the heavy metal on I take it.



Middle Child said...

Hello "Pants" hahaha - There would have been people at the airport watching who strolled up to Ann'o'dyne - they would have been expecting some young stud with a chest as deep as...(sigh) or some young spunk sewn into her jeans - but maybe thats you anyway.

Ann o said to say hellon to you - she;s pointed me to some interesting blogs so tellher I dropped by okay... should give her a sense of purpose fulfilled !!!

That's So Pants said...

Hi Middle Child

Nice to hear from you. Will do.



Lunar Brogue said...

"Welcome Mr Sakimora of The Intelligent Design Group" made me laugh.

A rare commodity indeed.

And when you are as idle as me and wish to exploit the vast capabilities of this (gasp) junk shop dressed up as a museum*, you might find a link to The Discovery Institute, "a U.S. think tank based in Seattle, Washington, best known for its advocacy of intelligent design and its Teach the Controversy campaign to teach creationist anti-evolution beliefs in United States public high school science courses".

Mr Sakimora works in the whales division.

* Ben Elton, whenever appearing on whatever (actually, I think it was on Parkinson).

That's So Pants said...

Greetings Lunie (you don't mind if I call you that presumably) and welcome.

I'm now going off to find what you gugled to get to this post