Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Pants frayed

Feeling a little negative

I don't know quite when I broke down irretrievably. Perhaps it was the moment I realised I'd lost all the pin numbers to the new bank accounts I'd set up, in particular, the one where I lodged the proceeds from the sale of House of Pants. I used to believe that any bugger could get his slimy little hands on my savings, which is why I've never had internet banking. I've debunked that one now. Since I've opened an internet account, not even I can get my hands on my own money. Now that's what I call secure. It will be some comfort when I'm at the far side of the world unable to buy a house because I can't access my own cash.

It's an inopportune time to admit it but I really don't like change. I am kicking for all I'm worth against every bizarre and unreasonable ritual imposed on the absurd number of service providers that modern living requires. I spat the dummy big time at the 'communications' provider who insists that you inform it 'in writing' of your intention to dispense with its services. 'No, no, no', insisted I in distinctly pants tones, 'you are a phone company and I am phoning you to tell you that I no longer require your phone service. We have never done anything 'in writing' before'. Of course I do intend to write to Quills Direct in my finest copperplate script to aprise them of my departure. It's only fitting.

I have lost and found the following items at least a dozen times this week,

  • Passports
  • Travellers' cheques
  • American dollars (sorry but they do look an awful lot like ads for American Express cards)
  • Memory stick (making them so small is a great idea until you have to put them in the company of a great many much bigger things)
  • Clean under garments (although not so much 'lost' as 'exhausted')

Never before have I been so stressed. I'm more frazzled than poor Miss Quested and I'm two days away from arriving in India. What will I be like when I get there? I can't even open my travel notes now for fear that I've forgotten something crucial. Better I don't find that out until I get there at this juncture. What is wrong with me? I've never been like this before about travelling, or about anything really. And if all that wasn't enough, blow me if Barney didn't wake up from his cryogenic suspension thinking he was Mel flipping Gibson (Mel, will you shut the fuck up!) Now I've got to work out how to get him through India and into Australia. It's going to be tricky as I doubt the Australian authorities will buy our cover story of being on a promotional tour for Forever Young 2.

Mr T is packing for Havana as I type. He's finally dragged himself away from Fantasy Football for long enough for me to get this post down. He's ironing fourteen shirts - for a week! I've got four to last me a month - all proudly unironed. We went to a wonderful New Year's Eve party in a fabulous apartment overlooking the Thames and, for once, I had a good view of the fireworks. Just when you leave, the city finally decides to invite you in to gaze at what you'll be missing.

What will become of me in this state? I can't even have a breakdown because it would invalidate my travel insurance. The best I can hope for is to contract yellow fever and disguise my hysterical outbursts as delirium.

Things can only get worse...


Reading the Signs said...

Ja, my dear, so "be heppy" and defer the breakdown - and do not listen to anything that sounds remotely like ou boum, especially if it comes from a cave, for that way madness lies.
At times like this I find it pays to be a bit OCD if you can. Fret now so later you don't have to.

How my daughter would have liked to be at that party. She was in a crush by the Embankment, didn't see the fireworks and it took her over two and a half hours to get home. But for you the view was clear. Pants, this is a Sign - a good omen.

The fact that Barney has resurrected himself in this way can only be a blessing. Trust me.


d said...

Sigh. Just one snag with that . There is no yellow fever in India.

Wisewebwoman said...

Oh poor Pants:
At the very end of her very stretched elastic.
Take heart. It will soon be over whether you are ready or not.
You are probably overcompensating everywhere. More lists, more double-checking.
Light a candle, stare into the flame with your legs and arms crossed gently. For as long as it takes to calm you.
Now be on your way

That's So Pants said...

Hi Signs

My personal motto is 'obsessive compulsives don't miss planes'. Although, having said that, I usually try to fly out at 9.30 in the evening rather than the morning.

Ah yes, the old Embankment trick, been there many times before. We even managed to get home by public transport with no trouble - now that's a first.

As for Barney - well, he has been trying to help, and him thinking I'm Jamie Lee Curtis is not SO bad...

Hi D

You see how my luck goes? Next you'll be telling me there's no cholera, bubonic plague or athelete's foot.


If only it were true. I really have lost access to the bank account. Funny as it seems from the outside, I'm not laughing.



lavenderblue said...

oh Good Luck xx

That's So Pants said...

Hi lavenderblue

Believe me, it got quite considerably worse, as predicted. I'm still leaving tomorrow, even if I have to dig myself through the snow.



lavenderblue said...

Oh Pants - you and Barney will see it through.
Oh GOD I HATE Good byes..
Take care xxx

That's So Pants said...


There is no goodbye on the internet.

We'll be fine - and we'll be in touch.



Janejill said...

Like your eyelashes (or should I say "loving your eyelashes" )Can't we come to see you and Barney off? What stress... hope you have a decent airline ... bon voyage. xxx

trousers said...

I hope that the bewilderment you're experiencing will settle down into something more positive and manageable: I may be wrong but I think once you've actually got going it will be a lot easier than these last moments beforehand.

I hope so anyway! x

Minx said...

See you on the other side!

phil said...

India will be empty, they're all here for the cricket :-)

Wherever Mrs VVB and I went on our hols there were hordes of Indians, it was only this arvo when we were watching the Test on TV that we tumbled as to why.

That's So Pants said...

Hi all

Pardon the impersonal response but I'm India now and all is well. Quite pressed for time though at internet cafe with my first post to write

Better get on with it.



lavenderblue said...

How exciting !
Pictures would be good ........xx

That's So Pants said...

hi LB

Just finished writing the post but forgot the card reading thingy to put up fabulous picture so will have to come back later.