Monday, December 03, 2007

The puss and the owly-cat



Bad news, for Barney at least. As you can see, he’s had an adverse reaction to the jabs for India. I suppose I ought to take some responsibility for it. I transported him in his especially adapted owly-cat basket down to our lovely practice nurse Florence. He moaned the whole way and actually inferred that instead of getting a tetanus booster, he might be being prepped for having his cojones disappeared. Suffice to say that mutual trust has never built in quite the way I’d hoped.

Fortunately for us, our local surgery is reckoned to be the best in Hackney. Admittedly that’s not much of a recommendation, but it’s incredibly efficient and there never seems to be anyone in there. I suppose that doesn’t seem like much of a recommendation either but I don’t think there’s quite the link between quality and demand when it comes to health services as there is say with restaurants. No sooner had we entered the waiting room than our names began to flash up on the big screen. I admit I was disappointed as I’d my eye on a Take A Break article about Britney Spears embracing her new hobby of plastic surgery. I’m so relieved she’s taking an interest in something. In any case, the expediency left Barney little time for protest.

I was surprised to discover that all the inoculations you need for travelling in India were available and free and could be done right there and then by the nightingale-like Florence. But that’s the NHS. If you’re in agony with a bung hip or urgently need drugs for cancer, you’ll be told to go to Germany or pay for your treatment yourself. If you only want to go on holidays to a place where you’ve a slim chance of picking up typhoid, you get to make an appointment convenient for you and arrive to find all the right drugs in the fridge.

Where I think I might be culpable in Barney’s present predicament is that I was possibly a little too cavalier in suggesting that he should have double the human dose of everything just to be on the safe side. I stand by my logic. Barney, being a hybrid, has twice the DNA of a standard species. I could find no evidence in my, (admittedly cursory), internet research to suggest that body weight should be factored in.

I have a feeling it might be the yellow fever. Those spots are really quite yellow and sort of weeping. I don’t want to alarm Barney so I’m keeping him in a darkened room while I quietly contact his originators to see if he can be cryogenically frozen for the next three or even six months. God knows I need a break. To be honest, I think it’s all for the best. I know Barney had his heart set on visiting the Maharajah of Katpur but there would have been all sorts of problems in setting that up as the ‘Maharajah’ is really a long dead London alley cat called Merlin. Barney has the infuriating combination of extra keen eyesight and ultra-suspicious nature so only the most elaborate of hoaxes would have sufficed. Who needs it?

24 comments:

R.H. said...

If you take your cat to India they'll eat it, then you'll look silly.

Andrew said...

Barney looks very decorative in preparation for christmas.

That's so pants said...

Lateral thinking isn't dead.

RH - there's an idea. And it's ecologically sound.

Andrew - Surprisingly Barney wasn't amused by the suggestion he be employed as a table decoration. Never mind, I'm sure the PAYE would have been more of a hassle than it was worth.

xxx

Pants

Reading the Signs said...

Pants, my cat has just been cured of something with homoeopathy. Apparently animials respond amazingly well to this. You wanted some Good Advice, no? Well anyway, if you find a remedy for Barney you can dissolve in in water for him. A bit of Rescue Remedy seems called for as well.

I'm sorry you weren't in the waiting room long enough to take in a bit of Britney. Would have enjoyed the Pants take on her, I feel sure.

That's so pants said...

Hi Signs

Unfortunately Barney has taken to self-medicating with my best Brandy. Now he's entirely run me out of Nurofen.

When all this is over, I'll get back to celeb-bashing, I feel certain. I haven't even the strength to go after PM Scrooge McDuck at present.

xxx

Pants

phil said...

Just as well Barney didn't go for the lava lamp look...

Dame Honoria Glossop said...

Barney's just acclimatizing himself to India. He's obviously got Yellow Mosaic Disease, which is found on chayote plants in Darjeeling and Sikkim.

Tell him the Maharajah of Katpur has been overthrown by a cow.

On reflection, I think maybe it was a coup.

That's so pants said...

Your Dameship and Your Philoship

It may technically be cruelty but I do find all this derision at Barney's expense very amusing.

xxx

Pants

Ann O'Dyne said...

last time I engaged with The Owly-Cat, I came out of it looking very stoopid; so today I will pounce on Reading The Signs' comment: re her success with critters + homeothoptherapy.
While in the Bach store enquiring when their rescue remedy would be available in the 44-gallon drums I require, I noticed their BOOK on 'Homeotherapy for GOATS'.

WTF? A goat will eat your car, so how on earth does tincture of violet have any affect on a stomach like theirs?

That's so pants said...

Hi Annie

You make a good point re goats. I once farm sat and the goats didn't actually eat the Suzuki 4WD but they did eat the soft roof covering. For that I suppose I should be grateful.

Believe me, if there was ever a time to challenge Barney, it's now. He's really quite low (tee hee).

xxx

Pants

R.H. said...

Sweetiepies and assorted darlings, I've just put my Christmas lights up.

-Robert.

Reading the Signs said...

I know how you feel, ann o'dyne, it's not good to look stoopid. And I know this because I risk doing that very thing every time I mention the H word, especially with witty sophisticates like you and Pants. But hell, I do it anyway because that's the kind of woman I am. And I love animals and have a crush on Barney. Damn, I've said it now. Laugh, why don't you! I am going to take Ignatia 30c and Rescue Remedy, so bollocks.

That's so pants said...

Hi RH

I have my Christmas lights draped over my packing boxes. Does that count as festive?

Signs, dearest

I've just started Barney on his malaria tablets. I believe I've discovered a design fault in the owly-cat. Do you think I can get my money back?

xxx

Pants

Reading the Signs said...

Pants, don't even be thinking such things! What Barney needs now is your Unconditional Love - and a bit of extra smoked salmon, I suppose. Cats are psychic, you know, they can pick up thoughts. I am beaming some to him right now and will be interested to hear of his progress.

That's so pants said...

Hi Signs

Barney has gone into a catatonic trance. It's either you, the malaria tablets or he's possessed by the late Maharajah of Katpur. Hopefully all of the above. Perhaps I'll be blessed with a night's sleep after all.

xxx

Pants

R.H. said...

Why don't you drape the lights over yourself and dance around outside, I did that last year and got free Christmas lunch in the nut house.

That's so pants said...

RH

I'm thinking win/win.

xxx

Pants

Janejill said...

Hello dear Pants - you cannot go; please don't go. and, Aw poor Barney - I don't normally have a lot of patience with male "illness" but Barney seems pretty stoic so I would lavish lots of praise and cuchy coo sounds on him..unlikely I think. You do love him really ...don't you? If not, then I will definitely introduce him to Theo - there is a vacancy now he has abandoned his fur palace - see my very lovely photo of a few days ago.. though somehow I don't imagine Barney would be seen dead or alive in it xxx

That's so pants said...

Hi Jane Jill

I long ago gave up trying to second guess Barney's tastes. There is a whole box full of educational toys sitting in a corner that he couldn't be arsed to even open. Is it any wonder he can't hold a decent conversation?

xxx

Pants

Reading the Signs said...

Pants, I have tagged Barney - please send him over to my place post haste. I intuit that he is in need of a little distraction.

marymaryquitecontrary said...

oh dear, I am having an inoculation for yellow fever next week. I am going to Tanzania in February. Do you think I should delay it until after christmas?. I cannot possibly go to all the parties looking like Barney.

That's so pants said...

Signs! you're supposed to be MY friend

Hi Mary Mary

Fear not. There is not a creature on God's earth that looks like Barney - and praise be to him for that.

Reading the Signs said...

I know, but Pants you hate those meme things and look at it this way: Barney is, like, your daemon (you've read Northern Lights?) so it's like asking you really, in a way.
(C'mon,Barney!)

That's so pants said...

Hi Signs

Relations with Barney are a little strained at present - he's not a good patient. (Barney - will you SHUT THE FUCK UP). Newsnight Review invited him to an exclusive screening of 'The Golden Compass' Barney now believes that his 'ancestory' is CGI. I don't know how much more I can take, frankly.

xxx

Pants