Thursday, July 19, 2007

Evidently Distressed Wednesday




Wouldn’t you know it? I’ve finally got all the onerous administrative details relating to the passage of Barney, my hypoallergenic owly-cat (cat-owl cross) to Australia and convinced Barney that he would be better off with someone like me, who has always accepted him for the freak, I mean unique individual that he is, than take his chances scavenging from his hideout in the loft. Believe me I’ve more rewarding tasks parked in the in-tray. 

Now, Barney is having second thoughts. More about that in a minute.The original sticking point, you may recall, was that the Department for Animals and Furry Things (DAFT) and I couldn’t agree on a classification for Barney and he faced a possible six years in quarantine. I solved that problem by having him reclassified as an Interactive Bagpuss in which case I only need an export/import licence. Barney did not take the ‘bad’ news that he would have to carry my pyjamas for the duration of the flight well but grudgingly accepted my assurances of a ‘better life’. My only other obligation is to sign a declaration that I will not commercially reproduce him. As if.

It was no mean feat talking the stubborn bugger around. He embodies all the worst qualities of a cat (sleeping through my entire, meticulously constructed arguments) with those of an owl (not giving a hoot about anyone but himself). As it turns out, I won him over by appealing to those very qualities and by, well, several audacious lies. You see, I have ‘explained’ to Barney that Australia is full of hybrids like himself and that they are so common there’s even a name for them. We call them Marsupials. He was anxious to discover the etymology of the name which had me kind of stumped until I came up with this flash of brilliance. ‘It’s an Aboriginal word meaning belongs here.’ I had to look away as his peculiarly glacial eyes misted over. Needs must.

Barney, being no one’s fool, demanded some proof – cat curiosity mixed with owl cynicism. What can you do? But I’m used to his foibles and machinations now so I was ready for him. Reaching for my trusty copy of Life of Marsupials, I opened it at the page marked Wombat. ‘The wombat’, I explained authoritatively, ‘is a Womble crossed with a bat.’ Well, The Wombles of Wimbledon is one of Barney’s favourite TV shows and, although he maintains a healthy distrust of bats, as do we all, he firmly believes that creatures of the night owe each other solidarity at least. I further regaled him with tales of the kookaburra – an animal that cooks its own food underground and the wallaby – an ambitious mix of walrus and honey bee. By the end of this seminar, Barney was searching the sewing basket for a suitable zip for his stomach.

Then, disaster. It was probably a bad idea to encourage Barney to go online to further research his new home but, frankly, the constant interrogation was all getting a bit much. Unfortunately, on one of his forays, Barney came across an article in the Sydney Morning Herald reporting that the city council has advised citizens to keep a survival pack which it has dubbed a Go Bag in permanent readiness should a state of emergency suddenly occur.




I tried to reassure Barney that ‘a state of emergency’ in Sydney is when you find yourself stranded in a street without a decent cappuccino outlet but the damage had been done. Worst of all was the advice that you should ‘carry your cat in a pillow case’. I’m afraid now all my hard work has been undone. I am bracing myself for the eventuality of having to carry my own pyjamas on the long, lonely journey…

Pic of GoBag from Sydney Morning Herald Rag

33 comments:

Anna MR said...

Ms Pants, I believe you really must be one of the funniest individuals in the known universe.

x

That's so pants said...

Thank you very much Anna - I must tell you there is little reward but kind words are always appreciated.

xxx

Pants

R.H. said...

No one wears pyjamas in Australia.

R.H. said...

This comment will be visible after blog owner approval.

R.H. said...

Doggerals, go to hell.

-Robert.
Australia's greatest living (undeceased) poet.

That's so pants said...

Hi RH

Thank you for your insights, as always.

Barney wants to know what a 'doggeral' is. I told him it's a dog crossed with a young rooster. He wants to know if it would chase him or should it be the other way around. He did suggest they could take turns. Would that work do you think?

xxx

Pants

Ann O'Dyne said...

That 'Go Bag' is a waste of time.
hasn't even got an emery board in it.
or catfood.
it's obviously a 'male' thing.
Women tote their 'go' bag 24/7:
*sunnies
*emery board
*credit cards
*hairbrush
*mobile
*blackberry
*bandaids
*lip balm
* catfood
*muesli bars

That's so pants said...

Hi Annie

Good point! Next thing you know someone will be reinventing the wheelie bin. No one's yet mentioned books. I am sure I could survive any disaster with a couple of good novels. I've had plenty of practice in the post office queue.

xxx

Pants

Kris said...

Don't go!!

If you must, please promise that TSP carries on. I gotta find out what happens to Barney!

Reading the Signs said...

Hello Pants - er - I have tagged you. You don't mind do you? (If you do, perhaps your Barney Owl cat can do it for you).

That's so pants said...

Hi Kris

Well - I'm definitely going. Other Barney - the human who showed exquisite taste and bought my (sorry OUR flat - although in most places owl droppings and fur balls are not considered legal tender...) Sorry Kris - other Barney would probably be quite cross if I changed my mind now. Besides, I don't want to - change my mind that is.

I thought a couple of weeks ago I might end the blog because I had run out of things to say but with the move, I'm bound to find new things to moan about.

Hi Signs

How tiresome, I mean, thoughtful of you. Actually, you've given me an idea. Perhaps I can get the pest, sorry PET to take over the entire blog for me. OMG he's already thought of a name for it. 'The Owly News'. Very droll Barney.

xxx

Pants

Liz said...

Ms Pants,

You are hilarious! I love the idea of a Wombat being part Womble. I have a little toy Wombat sat here on my desk that a friend bought me back from Oz as a present. Henceforth, I shall hear Mike Batt singing "underground, overground, wombling free" every time I look at him.

Hey - I wonder if Mike Batt was the Bat used to cross-breed with the Womble with?

That's so pants said...

Hi Liz

No!! That is too scary.

xxx

Pants

Reading the Signs said...

Pants, you should certainly consider having him on your "team", but don't let him take over altogether. These pets have a way of taking over and before you know it you'll be a mere handmaiden to his owly cat whims. I know of which I speak, and my cat isn't even an owl.

That's so pants said...

Signs - I know! It's all unfolding like a terrible nightmare already - people are going to think he's cute for effsake. They are! That's it. I'm putting Barney filters on, now.

Thanks for the warning.

xxx

Pants

Quink said...

That is hilarious. You've got to keep this going...

Dame Honoria Glossop said...

As the owner of a very spoiled cat, I loved this!

You’ve been tagged, see my blog for details.
I haven't visited your blog before. I've been tagged, so decided to use it as an excuse to visit some other blogs.

That's so pants said...

Hi Quinkie

Well, since you insist...

Hello Your Royal Dameness

See comment from Reading the Signs above - I've already been tagged with this one today. This is either a conspiracy or six degrees of Kevin Bacon is the new general theory of relativity. Anyway, welcome.

xxx

Pants

That's so pants said...

What I meant to say was Theory of General Relativity.

Janejill said...

What was that you said about not being funny any more? You were saving it up. I just love love love Barney, especially with his smoking cap on. I tried, but I can't believe he rates the Wombles?; he looks much too grown up and chic -but dead acute with it. Does he have to go to Oz?

That's so pants said...

Hiya Jane Jill

What can I say, it comes and goes. That is supposed to be a digger's hat but have you any idea how hard it is to fit one on an owly-cat's fat head? Just say the word and the pet pack is headed your way.

xxx

Pants

R.H. said...

That cat looks pretty sharp, or else it's just had a shock.
Telling your cat animal stories is quite okay, but a rooster crossed with a dog would be silly, and offensive to the gay community.

That's so pants said...

Hi Blogsurfer

At first I thought you were just an ad but I did look at your blog. It seems like an interesting resource. Thanks for getting in touch.

Hi RH

I've rejected your comment in case it causes offensive - this is not to say it is necessarily offensive but I have no reason whatever to risk offending people. I hope you will understand.

xxx

Pants

Dame Honoria Glossop said...

Sorry, I tried to check all the people I've tagged to make sure they hadn't already been tagged. I must have missed that one. I'll find someone else. I did enjoy your blog though, I'll visit again.

I just kinda liked the idea that if it was random facts, I should choose some random blogs. I've found some interesting stuff.

That's so pants said...

Your dearest dameness

Not at all. Thanks for getting in touch. It seemed this meme made its way around the blogosphere with the ferocity of a pyramid selling scheme and I found that kind of interesting. I might do it, if inspiration strikes this evening but I think this shows that there can't be too many people around who haven't been hit already.

xxx

Pants

Ms Baroque said...

TSP, I feel I should give you some kind of prize for this one. You've outdone yourself this time.

That's so pants said...

Thanks Ms Baroque

High praise indeed.

xxx

Pants

R.H. said...

I'd already sent you an email telling you to reject it.

That's so pants said...

Hi RH

I know - but it didn't arrive until long after I'd written that comment. Email is not instant - it sometimes takes longer than pigeon post for emails to arrive. Anyway, no harm done - we were obviously both thinking the same thing.

xxx

Pants

Reading the Signs said...

Pants, you're right, this is a conspiracy (hi there, Dame).

But I'm a bit miffed that I've only been hit by this for the first time. I can't think why no-one else was beating a path to my blog for "random facts" which could, actually, be my second name.

That's so pants said...

Hi Signs

This 'meme' stuff is a real summer thing. Believe me, you'll tire of it.

xxx

Pants

marymaryquitecontrary said...

I love Barney but I don't like cats. But then he isn't a cat is he? I would have him in a heartbeat. Can you put him on a slow boat to Ireland. His ozzy hat is so cute;he looks like a tourist already.

That's so pants said...

Hi Mary Mary

This is the thing - you put them in a little hat and the whole world wants them. He's yours by return of post. Please be sure to get in lots of that lovely Irish smoked salmon.

xxx

Pants