Wednesday, February 14, 2007

MySpace Cadet

Q : Where is MySpace?
A : Between MyEars.
Today I realised that I have completely dried up (again) and need to take another blog holiday. I outline my reasons below:-
1. I lay in bed for two hours this morning after I woke up unable to decide whether to have Vegemite or strawberry jam on toast for breakfast and struggling to recall if I used the last of the milk last night in my Green & Black’s Organic chocolate drinking frenzy.
2. I received a phone call from my niece Ms Ruben in Australia halfway through this important contemplation to inform me that she is doing a biography of me. This is not exactly a Boswell/Johnson scale project but I am afraid I was taxed beyond my ability and was completely unable to recall my favourite colour, the names of any of my friends or what I’d like to be when I grow up.
3. I opened an email from our MySpace guru Ms Viv with yet more gruelling inquiries. Musical influences? Does pink tulle and black eyeliner count? What instrument did I play? Stylophone rings a bell for some reason or it could have been NHS specs. It was always so dark in the 80s, who’s going to be able to bring that kind of detail to mind? Someone must be able to locate some CCTV footage, surely.
4. I am completely unable to get excited about Robbie Williams going into rehab, even though the prospect of him now having to beg to get back into Take That seems inevitable. There was a time when I would not have been able to stop writing about such a gem but at the moment I’d rather design an ad for Skodas (in black and white and actually moving) than contemplate the self-inflicted ruination of a world-class twat.
Clue : Novel struggling to emerge in a climate of administrative dysfunction.
I received the new knobs for my hob today (hob knobs as it were), and they don’t fit. Of course they don’t fit. Why would they? What would be the point of that? I knew they wouldn’t fit, even though, incredibly, I still had all the original paperwork with the 115 different 60 digit serial numbers that Brenda at the call centre insisted I sound out clearly and distinctly in my best ‘speaking clock’ voice so that she could efficiently type them into her little order template and whiz that off to dispatch where it could be winged to me like some culinary dark victory in three to five working days.
Marvellous. But my new hob knobs do not fit. They do, however, work so I have decided that is good enough. The two concepts are not mutually exclusive. They do sit on the sticky-uppy bit that engages the hotplate. They just don’t slide down it. They do make the hotplates functional. With all four hotplates fully operational again, I can fashion mash with my comically shaped Abel & Cole potatoes to go on the Sosmix bolognaise sauce I made yesterday to produce a lovely vegetarian shepherd’s pie, blanch some spinach and tie-die towels in two different colours. It really doesn’t matter if they look more like mushrooms than hob knobs.
Novel situation report : After last week’s unscheduled massacre, I am on Draft 4 in which 82,992 words survived. Some of these are quite poorly so expect further casualties.
Action Plan : After much contemplation and close examination of EU human rights legislation, I have decided to kill a character for no reason. I bumped off two earlier on but qualified their demise. The master on pointless, gratuitous deaths in fiction as far as I’m concerned is Magnus Mills and I have reread bits of all his books this week to put me in the mood. I’ve also been reading David Nicholls’ Starter For Ten. Although no one has died so far, you get the feeling an innocent could get hit by a frozen moment at any time and buy it, big style. I have seen The Day After Tomorrow so I know these competitions are not just about general knowledge.
Bottom line : I’ll be blogging less often. I’ll probably stay off for a week to get this poor sod killed off humanely and cover my tracks.
Last word :
Morgan Stanley : I take it I was too old, too slow and too female.
Abel & Cole : I so love you guys but what about ‘Jerusalem artichoke is my favourite vegetable’ is not clear? Come on the season will be over before you know it.
Ms Ruben : Sorry – my favourite colour is pink, no green, no pink and green, no, actually it’s black. What do you mean that’s not a colour?
Ms Viv : I was joking. Really, my musical influences are Todd Rundgren, ... no seriously… Viv?

Lovely cartoon from


Liz said...

At last, someone else who feels the same way about Robbie Williams as I do!

Good luck with the novel.


That's so pants said...

Please Liz - don't tempt me... Ooo... there's that bit about being kidnapped by Elton John too... ooo... I strong, I am invincible, I am woman!

Ms Melancholy said...

Head down, Ms P. We will miss you, for sure x

That's so pants said...

Tale up Ms M. Still thinking about your wonderful Valentine's list.

Reading the Signs said...

This might not be fun for you, but: if you wrote a novel in the style of this post, I'd read. If you're at a loose end, I mean, once you've finished the one you're working on. I'd read.

That's so pants said...

Hi Signs - Interesting I did write one exactly like this five years ago - not a single sole was interested! There you go. So now I'm writing something more conventional.

swimmer6foot4 said...

So, betwixt Reading the Signs and me, there are at least two souls (or perhaps, four soles?) interested.

Missing you already ... good luck with the writing and come back soon please!

That's so pants said...

Hi Swimmer - Oh yeah - perhaps I should have tried sending the manuscript to publishers rather than fish shops. Oh well, you live and learn.

Reading the Signs said...

well they were wrong, tellem. Good luck with this one, anyway.

That's so pants said...

You heard it hear first folks.

Matt said...

Good luck Ms Pants, you will be missed!

That's so pants said...

Cheers Matt. It's going pretty well at the moment so may post again soon.

Meredith said...

That was a great post, thank you, LOLing & groaning simultaneously. Get on with your work now!

GoAwayPlease said...

the mere mention of 'stylophone' flung my poor brain straight back to paddington 1968. You should have put a Warning before the post.

That's so pants said...

Thanks Meredith - I am and I will.

Hi GAP - I have it in mind to mention Casio hand held keyboards that you strapped on like a guitar circa 1981 at some point and also Dr Rhythm drum machines. I hope there are no unfortunate associations for you there.

Groucho said...

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

Ros Barber said...

Ah, to go like that when you are so on form ... clearly, whatever you do with the novel will be spot-on. I, too, am a fan of Magnus Mills. Enjoy the killing. It's going to be perfect.


Hello Ms Pants. I'm sorry to hear that you feel like taking a bit of a break. There must be something in the air, because poor Yellowduck was feeling similarly just the other day.

I am relieved to find out that you are human, after all. Take it easy, relax, work on the book. And then get the hell back here where you belong.

Another beautifully constructed post, by the way. I'm never quite sure how you manage to manipulate all of this information you give us into making some kind of (mad) sense.

And Robbie Williams is in rehab, you say? Please tell me they don't have recording studios in clinics these days.

Take care now.

Kind regards etc....