Monday, January 08, 2007

Patriot Games

The Oxford English Dictionary is in the process of revision but regrettably the new edition will not come soon enough for Gordon ‘Scrooge McDuck’ Brown to access new words to buff up his tired old brand. With the fluffy-butted one just months away from the move next door in Downy Street, the excruciatingly forced efforts to find new ways of spinning the same tedious message, sound about as appetising as reheated salmonella.

Interviewed on BBC’s Sunday AM programme, Scrooge outlined his ‘patriotic vision’ for government of the future. Patriotic? Is that a word we should really be using in post multicultural Britain? Are we all to be issued with a musket and three-corned hat and ordered to enquire ‘who goes there?’ of anyone we judge looks a bit dodgy on our return flight from Lanzarote? Will ‘Pel’ Mel Gibson be installed as a facilitator to give us all special lessons in patriotic method? Will we all be given little Union flags to launch every morning after we’ve had our patriotic cup of tea and pledged allegiance to Queen and country? If you’re looking for something to call this brave new vision McDuck old chap what about National Socialism? It has a rather nice historic ring to it and memorable badging if memory serves.

Reminders that one lives not in a modern European country but in some kind of anachronistic time bubble were everywhere last week with arguments over whether or not law court officials should continue to be kitted out as if they were playing Jarndyce & Jarndyce in rep. Is it really appropriate in 2007 that barristers should weep on the possibility of being parted from their (horsehair ??) wigs? Is cradle cap not an issue for them?

Ryanair boss Michael O’Leary (The ‘O’ stands for ‘Orrible) squealed that there is more money in the Scrooge’s Money Bin (nee The Treasury) than his own wallet and just how wrong that is. Philip ‘Slime’ Green railed on that he has to train his own employees (imagine!) and why shouldn’t the state be paying for that. Isn’t that what he evades tax for? Schools should be turning out people whose only skill is to stare at you through glazed eyes and blurt out ‘how will you be paying’, surely. Why do students need to learn anything about the arts or science or history? What use would all that posh learning be in the retail sector anyway? Don’t educationalists realise that the most successful people in Britain are the least well educated. Think Jade Goody.

‘I'm not interested in the trappings of office, I'm interested in what you can do to help people’, announced Scrooge in a vain attempt to divert attention away from his near nihilistic narcissism. Memo from me to you, Scroogie, roast yourself and then go roll in a big vat of Hoisin sauce and lay down next to a bowl of pancakes and spring onion and you might just turn out to be useful after all.

‘It needs a new kind of politics in the country and it needs a new style of government for the future’, he quacked in the most overt statement of the obvious to emerge this week – although the ubiquitous pronouncements that England isn’t much good at cricket run a very close second. Unfortunately his moment of clarity didn’t quite extend to envisaging the bigger picture without his gormless form flaying around in it.

Scrooge went on to explain that the future would embrace ‘the talents of the wider community in government’. In all the ten years that Blah Blah and co have been rabbiting on about involving this amorphous concept they like to call ‘the wider community’ in government, no one is any closer to understanding what this means or how, and indeed when, it will ever materialise. What is clear is that we, the people, do not want to pay someone hundreds of thousands of pounds a year, install them in our most expensive real estate and then roll our sleeves up and get on with the job of governing the country ourselves any more than we would wish to pay a plumber to watch us change a tap washer. Why is this not coming across?

If proof were ever needed that Scrooge might be spending a little too much time on revision it’s in this statement,

‘The idea of the state being an overbearing state, which a lot of people have associated with the governments of the past, that cannot be the government of the future.’

No, ducks, it’s the present government, the one you’re in like, that we regard as suffocating. I for one am bored rigid by so called ‘transparent government’. I do not wish to see how the thing functions, I just want it to work properly. He did come up with one rather fetching idea though. He proposed the notion of a ‘servant state’, one that would listen to the people and serve their needs. Whack! There’s a novel approach but will it catch on? A large glass of Sauvignon Blanc over here my fine feathered friend if you would be so good…

Scrooge McDuck from Disney Comics


Country Mouse said...

Gordon Brown as Scrooge McDuck. Very funny.

That's so pants said...

Welcome Country Mouse. It's always nice to have a small rodent drop by.

Ms Baroque said...

Make that two! You've done well, cor, luv-a-duck. I hadn't seen him as Scrooge McDuck, and how I will find it hard to see him as anything else.

That's so pants said...

Hi Ms B. To me he will always be the doyen of Duckburg.