Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Getting to Naomi

Being a supermodel must be an extremely tough job. First you have to get up, provided someone has remembered to courier over at least £10,000 by midday. Then you have to stand still while someone else throws one or two items of clothing on you and flatirons your hair extensions. Shortly thereafter you are required to walk around a bit at which point a lot of people whoop at you and take your photo for, well, walking around a bit. After all that tough work is over, you must party. Hello! Magazine expects it of you. I don’t know how they do it.

Clearly the pressure of this taxing vocation occasionally proves too much for those at the top of the profession. It is therefore entirely understandable if supermodels are not always able to fulfil their vast timetable of obligations and every so often are forced to ignore a commitment to toss on an ermine wrap and represent womankind. Naomi ‘The Streatham Strangler’ Campbell thinks nothing of being up to four months late for an appointment herself but is also something of a perfectionist when it comes to other people’s punctuality. Top models are not required to study logical reasoning or human resources management so it is not uncommon for them to make the odd mistake under the immense burden of completing up to half a dozen two hour jobs a year.

CBS News reports today from New York that, following a protracted plea bargain after which The Strangler’s entire legal team and several court officials had to be hospitalised after sustaining multiple injuries, The Strangler ‘pleaded guilty to a charge of misdemeanour assault for hitting her maid with a cell phone over a pair of missing jeans.’

According to CBS News,

‘Campbell, 35, was accused of hitting Ana Scolavino in the back of the head with the phone in the model's Manhattan apartment last March. Scolavino was treated for a head injury.’

A missing pair of jeans? There are several things about this case that seem strange. That The Strangler has her own clothes at all is a surprise. Doesn’t she just wear other people’s? That any of her clothes would go missing for any reason at all is also weird. Who would they fit, Spiderman? I guess the jeans themselves have gone underground, probably terrified of repercussions should they tell what they know.

What isn’t unusual about this case is that The Strangler has assaulted a member of her staff. That is as routine as filling a bath with Krug and drinking the contents with the straw you have just used to chase a mountain of cocaine around a Tiffany jewel box. The explanation she gave in court made perfect sense,

‘I threw a cell phone in the apartment. The cell phone hit Anna. This was an accident because I did not intend to hit her.’

What ordinary folk fail to realise is that highly strung people like to throw things. The mobile or ‘cell’ as the Americans call it, is the perfect projectile, being heavy enough to cause brain damage and light enough to avoid potential muscle damage to yourself. This is essential if waving your arms about is your stock in trade. How awful to think that unique swaying technique that The Strangler has perfected over twenty years of gruelling catwalking might be ruined by just one altercation with a slothful and insignificant subordinate.

Given her previous, The Strangler was lucky to walk away without a jail term. Fellow phone thrower Russell ‘Crowbar’ Crowe ended up paying about US$6 million for his little telecoms tantrum in 2005 but The Strangler was only required to outlay US$363. Ms Scolavino was obviously advised before taking up employment with The Strangler to invest in a comprehensive private health package. It is also believed that the New York judiciary regard The Strangler as at least ten times as dangerous as the Crowbar, so sought confirmation from her chauffeur (Mike Tyson) of how much loose change was in her Mercedes’ parking meter tray before deciding on the exact amount of the fine.

The Strangler also received a five day community service order which could prove slightly more worrying for some unlucky city employees, or indeed anyone within a fifty mile radius of New York City at the time. City officials should be warned against complacency following the recent success of Boy George’s highly amiable stint of street sweeping. For a while it even looked like George might stay on with Keep New York Spiffing as it was ‘a laugh’ and the most attention he’d had in years. Please note NYC, it would be extremely unwise to issue The Strangler with anything that could conceivably be used as a weapon, including pencils, rags, water – well any object at all really.

She must also attend a two day Anger Management course which could be even more problematic. It is believed that former Strangler boyfriend Robert DeNiro who starred in the Hollywood film Anger Management, has been approached for technical advice but told CBS that he would rather be put on a desert island with Lucky Luciano and Hannibal Lecter with no food or cigars. CBS have people working on his idea as I write. So, the question remains – who will teach The Strangler to think about the sky and count down slowly from ten? Answers on a bullet proof postcard if you please. Meanwhile, CBS have come up with a new idea for a reality TV series called Celebrity Serial Killer. It has a certain ring to it wouldn’t you say?

Naomi Cartoon from


Fringe Poet said...

Ms Pants, you have outdown yourself. This is so funny.

That's so pants said...

Hey Fringe. Thanks. Some people make it very easy.

Reading the Signs said...

Ah, the day looks better after a post by the rantin' Ms P.

But I can quite see why one might not want to get out of bed and piss for less than ten grand if one had her life. I mean, pass me the tranquillisers. Thank god for my purple trousers. If they go missing, heads will roll.

YellowDuck said...

Very, very funny :)

But, oh dear, my 2 year old is also in the habit of chucking my mobile randomly around and has a tendency to be a bit of a prima donna, too.... Should I be worried?

(PS: feel free to delete this bit of pedantry, but I don't think DeNiro was in Anger Management - Jack Nicholson and Adam Sandler were)

Arabella said...

It's wearing high heels that does it. The air is different up there.

That's so pants said...

Hey signs - yes, chance would be a fine thing, I agree.

Yellowduck - I stand corrected! I was thinking of that other one, with Billy Crystal where RdN is the gangster... Cheers, lucky someone is on the ball.

Hello Arabella - yes, the is thinner isn't it. Oxygen deprivation is very bad for you I understand.

Ms Melancholy said...

I think it was Analyse This.

I like your insight on anger management, Ms P! There was a very, very angry man being interviewed on the radio this week, about the fact that his Jewish parents had had him circumcised as a baby. He claimed it had ruined his life, he thinks about it every day and he cannot ever forgive them even though he himself is a practising Jew. The interviewer asked him what his profession was. You guessed, Anger Management consultant. I howled with laughter.

That's so pants said...

That's it. Analyse This. Anger Management is kind of interesting. I manage mine by running around the house screaming obscenities. It works but can be alarming for visitors.

kris said...

We need Naomi Campbell in the next Cleb Big Brother!

That's so pants said...

With no access to phones? How would she cope? Still I think her shoes are a great untapped resource, weapon-wise and if she misses with the right she can always hurl the left.