Sunday, December 03, 2006

Chopped Living

ohn ‘Chopper’ Reid has not exactly had a great week by the standards of us ordinary folk. But then again, the pugnacious little pug dog of rough and tumble politics thrives on ferreting around in the bog of controversy and digging out a nice big juicy bone of contention. It is said he snarls at mirrors and brooks no dissent when it comes to the sort of woolly liberal mentality that refuses to recognise the parlous state of our ‘way of life’.

In the odd moment when he’s not falling over himself to maintain scrupulous fairness by insulting every conceivable ethnic culture and casting suspicion on every possible immigrant group for their capacity to disrupt our ‘security’, Chopper can be found dabbling in his favourite pastime of metaphysics.

Provided enough plucky aides can be found to throw the off switch, Chopper loves to spend his down time envisioning the brave new world that will follow this silly, frivolous age of the masses doing and saying what they like. He is a kind of counter-enlightenment prophet, a satanic equivalent of the Dalai Lama, a man who has served time on the dark side and has the self-carved tattoos to prove it. This from his newly released Christmas stocking filler, The Minefield Less Travelled,

‘We should have no illusion as to the severity of the struggle we face against international terror. It will be long, it will wide and it will be deep’,

It is a must have for parents looking to disabuse their fairy-headed children of the Santa myth. Best they know what our dark satanic future holds while they are still young enough to be permanently disillusioned. He will be signing copies, in the blood of dead Iraqi civilians, at Borders Oxford Street on Christmas Eve (radiation scares permitting).

Among other koans of modern life, he discusses our frankly untenable fascination with silly old laws that are written in books and have stayed the same for, like years, duh! Anyone hoping to see in the New Year should not attempt to engage him in discourse about the stuffy, overeducated lawyers with nothing better to do than argue the bleedin’ toss over every little ‘typo’ on the reports of overworked police officers. Borders have indicated that they will be screening customers on this occasion. People wearing any kind of ‘national dress’ (apart from a Rangers strip obviously), are likely to be roughed up and probably should think about buying their books online instead. No offence – we sincerely value your custom.

Between acts in his ‘seasonal’ (not Christmas because it might be offensive to minorities to say ‘Christmas’ or even think it – have we introduced thought monitoring yet do you know?) panto stint as the Lord High Executioner in Gilbert & Sullivan’s The Mikado, Chopper told News International’s The Stirling Examiner (incorporating Naval Personal Periscope),

‘We need to move away from the traditional view that justice has to involve going to court. The problem we face is what I call the justice shortfall. That is, the difference - sometimes big - between what you and I think is justice, and what a lawyer or legal academic might think it is. My kind of justice is swift, effective and matches the crime.’

Chopper has taken a bit of convincing that ‘sharing values’ is in fact hygienic. He remains unconvinced that power sharing is not dangerous to public health, although he has moved slightly to the left of his original position that it is, in fact, lethal.

This shift has paved the way for an innovative solution to the current problem of there being not enough prison places for the vast number of people (mostly anarchists and foreigners) who lack the civic spirit to check their inboxes daily to ensure that they are not falling foul of one of the 3,000 new laws introduced by ‘New’ Labour since 1997.

Sadly, Chancellor of the Exchequer Gordon ‘Scrooge McDuck’ Brown has refused to release vital funds for the much needed prison expansion. At this time of year, he’s very fixated with how to adequately heat the Money Bin for his morning dip. He works very hard all year round and quite frankly would like some time alone with his, err, he means ‘our’ government surplus.

Not to be deterred by the, shall we politely suggest, reluctance of Scrooge to release some McBucks for new prisons, Chopper has macheted himself a very entrepreneurial third way. Three new ‘super-prisons’ are to be built by Real Estate Investment Trusts (REITs). This is a buy-to-let scheme where civic minded members of the public can put the money that they have very sensibly decided not to invest in having a good time because that would be wrong, into ensuring that there are enough prison places to accommodate the increasing numbers of people who just don’t share our values.

Of course there are always killjoys, not least of all those i-dotting, t-crossing obsessives from the trade unions (when are we going to make them illegal?), lining up to pour scorn on any true innovation. This is Harry Fletcher from NAPO, the probation officers' union,

‘Under this scheme shareholders would have a vested interest in seeing that the jails were full as the more rent that would come in, the higher the dividends.’

Well, like, who’s so totally not getting social and economic dynamics then? The silly old sod even goes on to speculate what might happen if organised crime perhaps got the idea of investing in such a scheme. As if…

Picture from


Penless Artist said...

Very. Interesting. Post.
I'm not sure why you're not being paid to write political commentary. Then again, maybe you are.

Anyway, your post peaked my curiosity, so I looked up JR in Wikipedia and learned 4 more interesting things about him:
1. He had an adolescent fling with the communist party
2. He married to a Jewish Brazilian film Director
3. He sings and plays guitar and is an honorary member of "The Big Elastic Band".
4. He's pals with Serb Rebel leader/war criminal Radovan Karadžić... not to mention as-yet-to-be-convicted war criminal, Donald Rusmsfeld.

I'm not sure what conclusions are to be drawn from this, but it seems that he's a pretty well-rounded guy. In addition to being a wrong-thinking a-hole, JR is also quite the artsy little rabble rouser.

Groucho said...

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

That's so pants said...

Hi Penless - Thank you - I wish someone would pay me to do something, anything actually... Chopper has a standard Labour CV. I don't think they even let you in to the party these days unless you can produce a guitar and a Christmas card from an accredited fascist at the induction day. You also need to be able to prove that you have left all moral convictions very firmly in the Levis that you only ever use for gardening, along with your old CP membership card.

Hi Groucho - whatever.