I was thinking yesterday about all the things that really annoy me and are absolute pants. It helped pass the time on the long bus ride home from a pointless meeting. Those probably annoy me most of anything apart from Celebrity Scissorhands replacing the Spooks preview on BBC3. I would have preferred to take a taxi but taxi driver conversations are soggy Pampers. At least on the bus nobody talks to you directly although they obviously talk about you, sometimes as if you weren’t there. ‘Stop it Tomika, youse annoyin’ vat loidy innit?’ Buses are a constant source of consternation. The upper deck is the preferred place to be but it can give you quite a start when you hit low branches full of conkers. Sometimes the council comes along and cuts a bus shaped hole in the trees and that’s absolute grey nylon slacks. The only time I have ever been in a motoring accident in
‘they [the buildings] had been built without consent in an area of outstanding natural beauty. The buildings, they ruled, "harm the intrinsic landscape quality and character" of the High Weald.’
The council ordered the buildings torn down but The Pillock appealed because,
‘the 205 square metre cabin was essential for the "privacy, seclusion and security" of his family.’
Since being informed by a spokesperson for the harp seals of the North Pole recently that they were no longer welcome anywhere in the
Unlike the polar icecap, the upstanding burghers of Rother were disinclined to melt and ordered the Pillock to tear down his ‘beloved’ log cabin which he is believed to have visited approximately once. But the Pillock didn’t get his reputation by giving up an untenable position just like that. Nooooo. In a brilliant strategic sleight of hand, he offered a deal according to The Telegraph,
‘if he could keep the lodge and pavilion, he would undertake to knock down an old farmhouse called ''Beanacres" on the estate and two agricultural barns. To sweeten the pot, a new landscape and habitat management plan for the 933-acre estate was submitted. This promised moves to increase bio-diversity and organic farming activities.’
This is a bit like me stealing a television from Comet and, on being caught, offer to give them back a DVD player which I had bought from Currys*. Incredibly, planners were going to agree to this deal but councillors hesitated and insisted on making a ‘site visit’. Oh yeah, and they’ll be dining out on which story exactly for the next ten years pray?
As councillors clawed their way through this ethical minefield over a lovely soy cream tea, they concluded that everyone’s best interests would be served by taking no decision at all. Quickly whipping out their BlackBerrys, they informed the Pillock of their availability for the next ‘site visit’. Everyone seemed happy with the outcome and the councillors retreated unsure of whether they were Arthur or Martha My Dear.
There's been so much horse-trading on this it's difficult to remember what it was all about originally’, a council source told The Telegraph.
Now that is a dirty old man’s button-ups.
* Dear Comet - it wasn’t me nicked the tele. I think it was that Dave Hill geezer.
Cartoon from www.diamondgeezers.com