Friday, November 10, 2006

Wed Cam

Today is Guinness World Records day
. Yes, those fine people who bring you Tipperary’s favourite tipple are at it again, trying to cajole is into being the most prolific at any number of daft activities. Among the Everests of human endeavour to be scaled today, according to the Children’s BBC programme News Round are ‘the largest number of people kissing at the same time in Paris, the largest tea party, and a US man holding rattlesnakes in his mouth.’ The latter will be attempted by George W Bush as a post election demonstration of what he does to campaign managers who don’t follow his instructions to the letter. He will be wearing a tee-shirt saying, ‘What part of GET OUT THERE AND WIN’ did you not understand?’

Among Guinness winners who have already beaten out all comers in their particular niche idiocy are the makers of James Bond films who have taken the gong for the most number of celluloid car rolls, a feat achieved with the release of the new 007 film Casino Royale. It is nice that British films are able to win something occasionally and bodes well for Daniel Craig, a version of whom is thought to have survived the record attempt. It is believed he was reassembled using the original schematic drawings for the Six Million Dollar Man. Rather unfortunately he came out looking remarkably like Lee Majors. He is said to be quite concerned at the interest Farah Fawcett, who plays an octogenarian hat check girl in the film, is showing in him.

The most disturbing news is that the record for most published author with 1084 works is the creator of appalling sci-fi books and even worse religions, L Ron Hubbard who has also been verified this week as the world’s most translated author. That there may be budding John Travoltas and Tom Cruises being hot-housed in seventy-one countries worldwide does not exactly inspire faith in the future, or even the vaguest desire to go there for that matter.

At home, sadly there are some records that stubbornly refuse to make even the slightest effort to be broken. Someone asked me today ‘what is the difference between ‘community development’ and ‘community engagement’. If I’d known about the mass French snog at the time I might have given a cheekier answer. It seems that, despite Government’s best efforts to get us to all like the same things we are annoyingly resistant to national homogeny.

I personally have trouble reconciling the imperative to ‘celebrate diversity’ with the requirement for ‘community cohesion’. I wonder if I should make more of an effort and maybe consider a Guinness Record attempt which would demonstrate my commitment to both ideals. I could get a tee-shirt printed which says, ‘The same – but different, and proud of it!’ Mmm, I rather like that. I am going to a meeting of the George Orwell Reformation Society this afternoon and I will see if I can attract suitable sponsorship. GORS is a charitable organisation set up with the specific aim of returning permanently to 1983 in a craft designed by L Ron Hubbard and piloted by Lee Majors (or the guy that played Buck Rogers in the 25th Century if Mr Majors has prior commitments or needs routine maintenance).

One area in which we really aren’t playing the game when it comes to building social cohesion, according to the British Film Institute which commissioned a hugely important and magnificently costly survey, is in our television viewing habits. It does seem that if we are given the opportunity to watch hundreds of different channels, some of us will actually do that which means that we are not all watching the same thing. The areas around water coolers are virtual ghost towns now as workers log onto message boards discussing the arrival of conjoined twins in a Brazilian soap or a controversial adjudication in Strip Poker for Stay At Home Dads rather than engage in heated debate about the equalities impact of Pat Wicks’s violet eye shadow.

According to The Guardian, the survey found,

‘The UK's main ethnic minority communities do not relate to much of the nation's TV culture, failing to identify with British shows such as Coronation Street and A Touch of Frost…


that these groups are often "distanced from national television culture" and have a "lack of interest in television programmes with strongly white, middle England associations’.

Well if this isn’t cause for national mourning, I don’t know what is. What can we do to motivate ethnic minorities to find the old tat that ITV drags from decade to decade more agreeable? Perhaps a Guinness World Record attempt might help. I know – let there be a mass wedding on both Corry and Frosty. The Reverend Sun Myung Moon could be called in to officiate, ably assisted by the also Reverend L Ron Hubbard (Equity rules permitting). Anyone who would like to participate in these mass weddings should make their intentions known via the comments facility on this blog. It will work, I known it will…

Photo from


Groucho said...

Call me a limo!

That's so pants said...

Your're a limo

Dave Hill said...

Could I perhaps be called a limo too? And there's this aunt of mine who loves being called a limo and nobody's done it for years.

That's so pants said...

Oh how I long for intelligent discourse. Perhaps in the afterlife. All right. Dave Hill is indeed a limo, probably one of those white Cherokee jeep ones that cruise the streets of Hackney ferrying prom queens or ex-members of Five Star trying to attract enough attention to get into the next series of Celebrity Scissorhands. Dave Hill's aunt is most assuredly also a limo as these things tend to run in families. I believe her to be a vintage Bentley once owned by Lord Beaverbrook.

Harpo said...

Beep. Beep

Penless Artist said...

I like the t-shirt idea. I'm thinking of getting something similar: A smiling purple sheep with the word "baaaaaahhhh" under it.

Think I'll also put 'Limo' on the back.

Great post.

That's so pants said...

Thanks Penless

I can't understand why no one wants to get married though (although you could well be quite raw on this subject - did you get puke out of the car OK?). Everyone just wants to be the car.