Saturday, November 25, 2006

These 10 things I will not do

Tagged by Dave Hill to pledge ten things that I will never do, I find myself in something of a dilemma. I haven’t got a hope of completing this task as described for any number of reasons. Prominent among these is my crap memory. I am unlikely to recall tomorrow even one of the things I promised never to do.

Secondly, I am the person for whom the expression, ‘Never Say Never’ was invented for it seems that wherever I take a moral stand, that is the exact location of the next ethical earthquake. I have lost count of the number of times I have determined never again to talk to my best friend for example.

I couldn’t vow, like Dave did, never to vote Tory because I may do it out of sheer spite. I am that vindictive and I do admire the way Boris Johnson writes in whole sentences and can make jokes. In fact, if Boris was Tory leader I would vote for him just for the possibility that there may be light relief at the top for a change. I am done with trying to get by on irony alone and I have long since given up on expecting a government that makes rational, beneficial decisions so I might as well get some joy from politics.

Thirdly, I dislike rules and would rather not make any for myself. The main benefit of being a recluse is that you can live in a chaotic way if you wish. I, for example, have breakfast in bed every single day. I am never allowed to do that if I stay with anyone else. It is bliss and I would not like to give it up, so I won’t be undertaking never to eat breakfast in bed again. That would be stupid. Neither could I guarantee that I would not steal any Opal Fruits from Dave Hill’s son. It would very much depend on the circumstances. You see, I prefer to make considered decisions after all the known knowns, the known unknowns, the unknown knowns and the unknown unknowns have been taken into account and I’ve double checked with Wittgenstein and Donald Rumsfeld.

Finally, I am actually the sort of person who will pretty much try anything once. The only things I probably wouldn’t do would be out of fear like skydiving but it would be pointless to list those. Having said all that, I am no spoil sport so I will undertake to complete the task with a slight variation. I will list ten things that I will try never to do again as bitter experience has rendered me older and wiser, hopefully.

1. Never (again) to get a boyfriend whose mother is still living. I am the type of woman that mothers absolutely hate and no amount of washing up after dinner will change that. This is less likely as time goes on.

2. Never (again) to have a boss twenty years my junior. One of them was OK but basically this is worse than having twelve permanently ingrown toenails. Sadly this is more likely as time goes on.

3. Never (again) to buy wine from Laithwaites because they really think it is OK to leave your expensive wine in the street. As it happens, no one in my street had seen a case of expensive wine before so it was there when I got home.

4. Never (again) to make a promise to my mother. Promises to mothers always end up being the one thing that is keeping them going and inevitably get broken.

5. Never (again) to send a tape of me singing to a celebrity in a coma. I just don’t think I could live with the consequences of another failure.

6. Never (again) to agree to go to a job interview. The downside of this is I will probably never work again but it does diminish the chances of 2.

7. Never (again) to enter into an argument with a psychotherapist, or even have a conversation with one. These people are trained in an advanced form of logic that I have no hope of ever grasping.

8. Never (again) to watch ‘24’ - not that I ever expected it to be plausible because it does posit that Kiefer Sutherland is somehow able to avert disaster. However, even I have to rouse my suspended disbelief when everyone in the emergency services has to resolve their relationship issues before they can turn their attention to seeing if the president of the United States is still alive after Airforce One has crashed into the side of a mountain. It is slightly less realistic than Get Smart.

9. Never (again) to ask our gardener why he is mowing dead grass. I might change my mind about this one if I ever decide to open a Zen school.

10. Never (again) to sing in public when very drunk. This is almost certain to get broken as the more I drink, the more I think I sound like Anita O’Day.

There. I know that what I am supposed to do now is tag ten other people but I have been in touch with mathematicians at MIT and they have assured me that Dave Hill tagged the last ten people who had not been tagged so there is no one else left. It’s to do with permutations, you know, the things that guarantee that you will never win the lottery. There is a Guinness World Record in it for the blogger who managed to tag the highest number of people. Dave Hill is not actually in the running for this but has a very good chance at another record for wasting the most time of serious and earnest people. Good luck with that Dave – a shoo-in for you I would have thought…

Picture from Green Eggs and Ham by Dr Seuss


Hairdresser said...

I agree with you. 24 is such rubbish.

Groucho said...

I think I've heard this story before but don't stop because I'd like to hear it again

Ms Baroque said...

Aw, I loved Get Smart!

I hope that wasn't me you were seearing never to talk to again. If so you failed miserably.

PenlessArtist said...

Top drawer.

Inspired by your list, I have started my own list of 10 Nevers ("started": verb, to think about something but probably never end up writing it down anywhere).

I'm stealing one from your list, but with 1 small variation (so reeeeally it's not stealing):

Never (again) to get a boyfriend whose mother is still living... in her own house and can't get him to move out of it. In these cases, the mother will become your best friend (whether you wash up or not). However, there will be a wild look in her eyes at all times that you will come to recognize as panic that you will leave and not take him with you.

Ms Baroque said...

Hmm... I note you and I both wrote more aobut our inability ever to stick to something we said we'd never do than about what we would really never do! Great minds might really think alike!

That's so pants said...

Ms B - no! The person to whom I refer never reads this blog so no probs there.

Penless - Ohhhh yes.

Dave Hill said...

I'm very happy if I'm wasting the time of serious and earnest people. They deserve it for making we airheads feel insecure.

That's so pants said...

Dave? Insecure? You? Someone is impersonating Dave Hill. This is not he, surely.