Monday, November 06, 2006

Duckburg Doldrums Revisited

I really had to double-check the date. It’s not 1st April, I’ve established that right enough. It is however, 5th November, the day we traditionally celebrate Guy Fawkes’s failed attempt to blow up the Houses of Parliament. There are times when one wishes he’d succeeded. Today is such a day.

Brown outlines his vision for an X Factor Britain,

announces the formerly credible Observer newspaper. Gordon ‘Scrooge McDuck’ Brown has given an exclusive interview to one Ned Temko, outlining his stately quest for our international self improvement. I spent about half an hour trying to decode ‘Ned Temko’. It isn’t an anagram unless Demento K means anything to anyone. The psychopathic older brother and unseen tormentor of Joseph perhaps? According to Mr Temko,

‘Gordon Brown will make his most audacious bid to show himself as the unbeatable 'Prime Minister in waiting' this week with a remarkable series of meetings with foreign leaders and the launch of a groundbreaking aid initiative backed by the Pope.’

Positioning his public persona midway between Homer Simpson and Dr No, Scrooge launches himself into the world arena with a repertoire that recalls the fine range of ‘X Factor’ hero Chico. What could this miraculous, Vatican-endorsed solution to world misery be? A plan to redistribute wealth by laundering mafia extortion money through the Vatican bank in return for absolution? That sounds like a great idea to me. No, not that? I know – the church sells off all its property and donates the proceeds to end child poverty? No? It’s, wait for it…

‘a bond scheme to fund the mass inoculation of children in the poorest countries’.

Isn’t that the greatest strategy for wealth sharing since the boom? Would Jonas Salk not have killed for this kind of insight? Picture every granny from Lands End to John O’Groats blowing their life savings on premium bonds for the po’er wee wains o’ the jungle. After the vast organisation that is set up to administer it skims their 99.9 per cent fees off the top, they’ll pop a few cartons of Smallpox vaccine left over from 1950 on a slow boat to Eritrea. It must be a good idea because Scrooge has cleared it with Mother Teresa’s successor, saintly philanthropist Bill Gates,

'I've been talking around the world for the last five years about what can be achieved by front-loading aid [through bond sales] and I've been talking to Bill Gates about how we could take the first step on immunisation,'

‘Front-loading aid’? What this might mean is anyone’s guess. The Smallpox vaccine is dropped off by a JCB on its way to participate in the building of a new dam that will displace 4 million subsistence farmers as part of the ‘aid package’?

A true statesman recasts the world in his own image if at all possible which explains why the earth is round. Scrooge is fortunate in that respect as the contours of the planet already bear a remarkable resemblance to his care worn face. But the legacy of a truly great man is the imprint he leaves on young hearts and minds. To this end Scrooge is to launch,

‘an educational scheme called 'Great Britons Learning', designed to ensure that children are taught about leading figures in UK history.’

I am rather relieved that he is inventing education as it is badly needed. We have been hearing all week that our young people have nothing to do so learning about ‘Great Britons’ will obviously be an intellectual lifeline. There is an awful lot that is not known about Posh ‘n’ Becks and Jay Kay remains an enigma that only a PhD thesis could truly unravel. Anyone taking ‘The Private Life of George Michael 101’ will obviously have an easy ride especially if they are conscientious about their field work.

In a concerted effort to distance himself from the present status quo and stamp his own particular brand of mediocrity on the current blueprint of fecklessness available to our blossoming youth, he gave notice that a stiff bristled broom, rather like the one used in Fantasia to whip The Sorcerer’s Apprentice into shape might be deployed as it,

'…would mean tackling issues ranging from smoking to sport. I have recently been to Australia and really admired what they do about sport, how much value they place on it in terms of fitness and health.'

Ah. Were we ever in such dire need of a common sense guru like Scrooge to join up those sad and lonely dots? Now, if only he can persuade his recently knighted developer friends to rent some school playing fields back for the kiddies at a reasonable consideration, say 40,000 times the going rate, we should be able to put together a game or two of rounders annually. The nation will be the healthier for it, surely.

But it is Scrooge’s stratospheric ambition for and unshakeable faith in the entrepreneurial talents of Britons that will truly set his presidency alight. He will go where no leader has gone before,

‘It is a key priority to provide people with the skills needed to realise their ambitions and to get ahead in life’.

It’s not until it is articulated with such clarity of purpose do you recognise just what a profoundly significant statement of the obvious that really is. Scrooge is indeed the people’s duck. As if further proof were needed of his trailer park intellectual credentials, he pays credit to his inspiration,

'That is why I like TV programmes like X Factor, Dragons' Den and The Apprentice. They show the value of aspiration, how anyone can achieve things.’

Our young people need be in no doubt at all about the route to success. All they need do to live out their dreams is sleep through their hopeless education, be visited by an evangelical calling at around 45 and line up all night outside a football club with 150,000 other people who can’t sing either to realise their full life potential.

Duckburg, Duckburg Uber Alles…


Ben said...

You really don't like Gordon Brown, do you NOosa?

That's so pants said...

No. Next question?