Sunday, November 19, 2006

A day in the life

I sometimes think I don’t really know what to do with life. It was a beautiful day, the kind that calendars covert and families feel obliged to spend rattling around on bicycles. I just looked at it. Yes, I spent all day, sitting in a chair and looking at it. I have a picturesque outlook so it is quite tempting to use it for outward looking, but I don’t think it’s the kind of outward looking that progressive people have in mind when they suggest you do it. I could have painted it or written a poem about it but I just looked at it, until there was nothing left to look at. Of course a beautiful day is still a beautiful day when night falls, you just can’t see it any more.
I got to thinking about what people do with their lives and how some activities, like ‘looking’ end up taking a disproportionate amount of time. Some people devote themselves fulltime to looking for a perfect partner or a new kitchen. They install themselves in Ikea where you can buy kitchens that have names like Tidaholm or Hallarum. Think of how nice it would be to have a brand new kitchen with its own name that you feel happy to talk to because it doesn’t yet have greasy worktops and chips out of the doors. ‘Good morning Tidaholm’, you might remark as you fill the kettle. If you have a cat called Tiddles it might get confusing because Tiddles could think you have come over a little pretentious and changed his name to something more sophisticated like the phase you went through when you called him Tiddlywinks for four months. Ikea is also a very good place to find a partner. Hang out in the pickle section. Only lonely people eat pickles.
There are people who spend large amounts of time on the internet trying to find people who agree with them. If you hold odd views this can be quite difficult. The best you can hope for usually is people who are willing to say anything to get people to talk to them. It is not advisable to give your credit card number to these people and certainly don’t tell them your home address unless you are looking for a non-contributory flatmate. If they claim to be the foreign minister of Nigeria who is having a little cash flow problem though, pass them on to Tony Blair so they can commiserate with each other.
People in early middle age can use up large chunks of time, not to mention money on marriages and divorces. Marriage is an excellent consumer of time as it can harness lots of other people’s time, and money, as well. If you are looking to carve deep into the quality time of your friends and family, you could consider having your wedding in a foreign country where only George Clooney has a house. It is difficult to find a country these days where George doesn’t have a house so you should not even attempt to factor in inconvenience in his case. You know that you can always count on him to show up so double order on the pickles.
Then there are people who should have spent more time looking for a new agent but instead end up spending several months living on a television show and scratching their way through mountains of bugs to get enough rice to keep them alive. They should have just taken dietary advice from Victoria Beckham who knows down to the milligram how much rice you need to keep yourself alive and they could have stayed looking fetchingly anorexic and not missed any weddings. Victoria gives her wedding pickle allowance to George Clooney. It’s an arrangement they have had for some considerable time.
Many people have spent their day quite fruitfully participating in the Scientology wedding of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes (or TomKat as it says on the invitations). In Scientology, you are not allowed to go to sleep until you have resolved an argument. This explains why Tom (pictured) looks so tired all the time. A celebrity wedding of this calibre does take up a lot of people’s time. An entire Italian village is on standby in case anybody needs to have their dress taped to their surgically enhanced chest. John Travolta has promised to personally collect and fly in a trusted stylist from anywhere in the world in his own 747 should any of the guests be afflicted with a hair extension crisis. Even Nicole Kidman has taken time out from her busy schedule of starring in dud films and caring for her own troubled spouse to flip through the Argos catalogue for a suitable wedding gift.
It’s been quite a day, for everyone. I think I need to take a good long rest now and get ready for tomorrow…

Cartoon from www.mnd.com

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow. Someone who is willing to admit to not doing anything all day. I like it.

andie said...

Just looking is good. And writing this blog very good - funny and true and makes me want to say yessss! a lot.
I've often wondered about my pickle habit.

That's so pants said...

Thank you Andie. Of course I did do the blog so even when I'm doing nothing I have actually done one thing and even have something to show for it. Jolly good on me I say.

Jo-Jo said...

I always feel really guilty when I just sit. I know its good for you but I have a problem relaxing.

That's so pants said...

Relaxing is probably one of my top five core skills, the others being sleeping, mulling, dreaming and fantisising. The days pass so quickly...