I got to thinking about what people do with their lives and how some activities, like ‘looking’ end up taking a disproportionate amount of time. Some people devote themselves fulltime to looking for a perfect partner or a new kitchen. They install themselves in Ikea where you can buy kitchens that have names like Tidaholm or Hallarum. Think of how nice it would be to have a brand new kitchen with its own name that you feel happy to talk to because it doesn’t yet have greasy worktops and chips out of the doors. ‘Good morning Tidaholm’, you might remark as you fill the kettle. If you have a cat called Tiddles it might get confusing because Tiddles could think you have come over a little pretentious and changed his name to something more sophisticated like the phase you went through when you called him Tiddlywinks for four months. Ikea is also a very good place to find a partner. Hang out in the pickle section. Only lonely people eat pickles.
There are people who spend large amounts of time on the internet trying to find people who agree with them. If you hold odd views this can be quite difficult. The best you can hope for usually is people who are willing to say anything to get people to talk to them. It is not advisable to give your credit card number to these people and certainly don’t tell them your home address unless you are looking for a non-contributory flatmate. If they claim to be the foreign minister of
People in early middle age can use up large chunks of time, not to mention money on marriages and divorces. Marriage is an excellent consumer of time as it can harness lots of other people’s time, and money, as well. If you are looking to carve deep into the quality time of your friends and family, you could consider having your wedding in a foreign country where only George Clooney has a house. It is difficult to find a country these days where George doesn’t have a house so you should not even attempt to factor in inconvenience in his case. You know that you can always count on him to show up so double order on the pickles.
Then there are people who should have spent more time looking for a new agent but instead end up spending several months living on a television show and scratching their way through mountains of bugs to get enough rice to keep them alive. They should have just taken dietary advice from Victoria Beckham who knows down to the milligram how much rice you need to keep yourself alive and they could have stayed looking fetchingly anorexic and not missed any weddings.
Many people have spent their day quite fruitfully participating in the Scientology wedding of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes (or TomKat as it says on the invitations). In Scientology, you are not allowed to go to sleep until you have resolved an argument. This explains why Tom (pictured) looks so tired all the time. A celebrity wedding of this calibre does take up a lot of people’s time. An entire Italian village is on standby in case anybody needs to have their dress taped to their surgically enhanced chest. John Travolta has promised to personally collect and fly in a trusted stylist from anywhere in the world in his own 747 should any of the guests be afflicted with a hair extension crisis. Even Nicole Kidman has taken time out from her busy schedule of starring in dud films and caring for her own troubled spouse to flip through the
It’s been quite a day, for everyone. I think I need to take a good long rest now and get ready for tomorrow…
Cartoon from www.mnd.com