Thursday, October 05, 2006

Tories in substance abuse shock

I know I said I wouldn’t talk about the Tories but that was before Boris ‘pork pie’ Johnson (pictured) decided to crash the party conference and inject a much needed vial of his own potent brand of vileness. Boris has a unique gift for insane irrelevancy that makes me wonder why no one has thought of making him leader. Boris may claim to be a Conservative but the news has not yet reached the top of his head where anarchy reigns supreme, both inside and out. Genetically incapable of showing either restraint or comprehension, Boris is the personification of being born with no ‘off’ switch.

The actual leader, David Cameron is virtually indiscernible from the shadow chancellor, George Osborne. Could there not be a reality programme to help out here? Candidates should have to wear tee-shirts with their names on and that would make a big difference to sorting out the identity problem. What about a Trinny and Susannah makeover involving some nice bias-cut, new seasons colour skirts, diamond pattern knitwear and mohair capes? I sometimes fantasise about a celebrity wife swap between Sharon Osbourne and Cherie Blair and wonder how long it would take the respective husbands to rumble the transfer. How my mind is wandering today.

Hoping to cash in on some of that pork pie magic, David (as he and three quarters of the Tories are known), started his conference speech with a Boris joke, if that’s not an oxymoron. He joshed, ‘even Boris made it all the way to Tuesday afternoon before putting his foot in it.’ Some delegates applauded rapturously while those who’d put serious money on Tuesday morning were seen tearing up their betting slips in disgust. He then proceeded to outline the Tories’ ‘new direction’. Sadly he spent so long on the outlining that he didn’t get time to do any colouring in.

Fortunately, the speech coincided with the beginning of a ‘policy review’ which puts an immediate embargo on the discussion of any policies. Instead David sketched a broad-brush impression of what policies might look like if they existed in a style that recalled Rolf Harris at his most fluid. He talked about ‘substance’ and ‘what we do together’, prompting delegates to check their conference packs for complementary tabs of LSD. As soon as these were located and duly dropped, the speech started to go down a lot better. Some delegates even found meaning in the new tree logo, prompting speculation that the acid had been laced with Baby Bio.

Halfway through the speech, David appeared to falter, wading into territory that was dangerously close to political. He had clearly left his moral compass in his other suit and was obviously winging it proving it is a bad idea to drop acid just before giving a key note speech. At one point he proposed replacing the ‘Human Rights Act’ with ‘A British bulldog called Spike’ and then he informed conference that ‘there is something special about marriage and we should back it.’ Delegates reached for their BlackBerries but on logging on to Betfair were unable to locate the appropriate race. The shock of the day came when David proposed introducing ‘relationship advice’ causing widespread speculation that he had purchased daytime television on behalf of the party. Candidates were left wondering how to declare something like that on the register of members’ interests. Some called their agents to book a place on Tricia as a precautionary measure.

Boris, at least has been busy. This week he has already opened wars on three fronts - and a pie shop in Islington. ‘I say let people eat what they like. Why shouldn't they push pies through the railings?’, he told reporters before rushing off to take delivery of a fleet of pie vans he had successfully bid £1 for on eBay. Boris denies insulting fellow wild man of the Barnet Jamie Oliver. ‘The BBC are completely wrong. What I said was, Let them eat liver and bacon’, he announced when it was reported that he’d given advice to school dinner ladies in his capacity as higher education spokesperson to, ‘put a tab of acid on every crouton’.

A Tory delegate had earlier in the week called Boris ‘an idiot who should learn to keep his trap shut’, without realising this was not physically possible. David Cameron’s acknowledgement of Boris in his opening remarks confirms that within the Tory party ‘being Boris’ is as legitimate a state as Being John Malkovich. A film is planned, starring the great man himself which will feature cameos by other famous Borises – Becker, Karloff and Godunov. With a working title of Being Boris, it will have music by the genre-challenged Japanese band, err, Boris. Michael Winner has agreed to change his name to Boris Boris in order to direct.

The tactless delegate has been chastised for not getting the whole Boris thing and told to go away and reassess his understanding of Tory values. He has been given three extra conference packs so that he might fully appreciate the ‘substance’ contained therein. Big hearted Boris has sent over a saucepan of magic mushroom consommé and croutons he prepared himself using a special recipe by Jamie Oliver. The conference continues…

Photo of Boris grafted onto cakehole from first


Dave Hill said...

Oooh, you are a beast!

That's so pants said...

You meant that as a compliment, right Dave?

Anonymous said...

Lee, you've outdone yourself this time. Of course, I've always had a little soft spot for Boris, but that's because he is such a ludicrously over-the-top caricature of himself.

And George Osborne is, of course, a prominent character in the wonderful Thackeray novel that in fact sets the tone for all this shenanigans, my fave rave Vanity Fair.