Are celebrities engaged in one massive secret global competition to settle once and for all the smouldering question – who is the greatest twat of all? If so, shouldn’t we be able to vote on it? What is the red button on my digital remote control for, if not for something of this magnitude? Who is missing the greatest marketing opportunity since television began? Perhaps there is no one within the rarefied world of show business who is not actually a competitor.
‘What I need to do is heal myself and to be assuring and allay the fears of others. I also need to heal people if they suffered any heart wounds from something I may have said. The last thing I want to be is that kind of monster.’ Melbo might have thought of that before he made all those Lethal Weapon films. Meanwhile a frightened nation dives for cover as it realises that those Christ fantasies are very real. The Surgeon General has advised that if Melbo attempts to lay hands on you, you should run away very quickly.
Never one to give up the limelight without a jolly old scrap, Melbo resumed drinking as soon as he was released from the cells,
‘I just went home and saw my kids were there. You know, I talked to them for a little bit. And it was a little … rough that morning. I chased it down with a few cold ones. It was kind of unbearable to face. … I said, well, this is it. This will be the end of it, but I just have to get through this morning. You're not operating well, but you know you have to do something. … I wasn't flashing it in front of them or anything.
This must have come as an enormous relief to the Gibson children who later admitted that they had no idea who or what he was talking about or to. They conceded that their troubled father may, at that very moment have believed himself to be the Holy Trinity. They were just grateful he didn’t actually drop his drawers or recite any speeches from The Passion of the Christ as they didn’t need any further reminders of the terror that resides in their DNA. In his bare all confession to Sawyer though, he left no doubt about the motivation that is both his making and undoing,
I've been angry all my life. … And I try not to have it manifest itself. You know? You try and keep a lock on it. … It's real back there some place. I've talked to people about that, and where is it coming from? I can get really mad. … I can murder inanimate objects. You should see me choking the toaster in the morning.
Melbo received three years probation for driving under the influence but has been rearrested and will be tried for the attempted murder of the family toaster.