Sunday, October 15, 2006

The passion of the pissed

Switched at birth. Saddam & Mel
Are celebrities engaged in one massive secret global competition to settle once and for all the smouldering question – who is the greatest twat of all? If so, shouldn’t we be able to vote on it? What is the red button on my digital remote control for, if not for something of this magnitude? Who is missing the greatest marketing opportunity since television began? Perhaps there is no one within the rarefied world of show business who is not actually a competitor.

With Georges Michael and Boy in a desperate bid to see who can amass the longest community service order, Madge, Angelina and co. stripping the third world of its next generation, The Hoff risking his stellar looks in shaving accidents and everyone who’s left tossing whatever heavy machinery comes to hand when some minion fails to buff their morning egg to their exacting standards, who would be left to host such a show?

Then again, it might just be a one tosser race after all. Americans were blessed to have a double dose of the scrambled egg himself, ‘Pel’ Mel Gibson with their morning coffee this week. Interviewed by Diane Sawyer on Good Morning America, the Melbo tried to hoodwink us with his cockamamie theory that ‘vino veritas’ – the thing that makes you say what you really think when you’re pissed – is not a true phenomenon. According to the self-appointed expert, drink makes you say the opposite of what you really think. Yeah, right, Melbo, pull the other one – it’s got the worm in it.

‘Years go by, you're fine. And then all of a sudden ... somebody shoves a glass of mescal in front of your nose, and says, “It's from Oaxaca”’, he explained was the trigger for the drunken rampage which culminated in his anti-semitic tirade a couple of months ago. There has been speculation that the episode began as a promotional stunt for his upcoming movie, Apocaloypto, which is about Mayan culture. Mel’s geography may have been a little rusty as Oaxaca is Aztec territory. I guess ‘try this Scooby cocktail with pineapple and whipped cream, it’s from Cancun’, doesn’t have quite the same manly ring to it.

‘You're powerless over everything really’, he confessed to a red-eyed nation, ‘All you can do is take another step, keep breathing,’ he said. Comedienne Joan Rivers has suggested that he might try stopping breathing. She is certain that would work. You can’t really argue with his logic, especially if you are yourself no stranger to leglessness. Attempting to get your head around the reverse omnipotence thing is a bit heavy. I for one needed a refreshing dip into Wittgenstein afterwards.

Similarly besieged Mel-alike Saddam Hussein has had his work cut out this week as his genocide trial resumed and just as quickly descended into a shouting match reminiscent of his days in power when he used to bellow at his errant sons Uday and Qusay to get their feet off the platinum coffee table and go out and get on with some ethnic cleansing. You can’t help wondering if Saddam had just stuck to entertainment – think of how great he was in Hot Shots and South Park - instead of messing about with politics, he may not have been in this pickle now. He might even, like Melbo, be put in charge of his own penance.

What I need to do is heal myself and to be assuring and allay the fears of others. I also need to heal people if they suffered any heart wounds from something I may have said. The last thing I want to be is that kind of monster.’ Melbo might have thought of that before he made all those Lethal Weapon films. Meanwhile a frightened nation dives for cover as it realises that those Christ fantasies are very real. The Surgeon General has advised that if Melbo attempts to lay hands on you, you should run away very quickly.

Never one to give up the limelight without a jolly old scrap, Melbo resumed drinking as soon as he was released from the cells,

‘I just went home and saw my kids were there. You know, I talked to them for a little bit. And it was a little … rough that morning. I chased it down with a few cold ones. It was kind of unbearable to face. … I said, well, this is it. This will be the end of it, but I just have to get through this morning. You're not operating well, but you know you have to do something. … I wasn't flashing it in front of them or anything.

This must have come as an enormous relief to the Gibson children who later admitted that they had no idea who or what he was talking about or to. They conceded that their troubled father may, at that very moment have believed himself to be the Holy Trinity. They were just grateful he didn’t actually drop his drawers or recite any speeches from The Passion of the Christ as they didn’t need any further reminders of the terror that resides in their DNA. In his bare all confession to Sawyer though, he left no doubt about the motivation that is both his making and undoing,

I've been angry all my life. … And I try not to have it manifest itself. You know? You try and keep a lock on it. … It's real back there some place. I've talked to people about that, and where is it coming from? I can get really mad. … I can murder inanimate objects. You should see me choking the toaster in the morning.

Melbo received three years probation for driving under the influence but has been rearrested and will be tried for the attempted murder of the family toaster.

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