Monday, October 09, 2006

Celebs in short sharps shock

Celebrities last night ran amok on the streets of Britain after some of our best loved national treasures confessed that community service had been ‘a life changing experience’. Night clubs were left even more trashed than usual and abandoned 4x4s littered the streets of London’s West End as some of our most revered tabloid fodder went on a rampage that completely cleaned out the nation’s supplies of class A drugs. In the cold light of day we are all asking why?

Following months of undercover work, police revealed in a statement today, ‘celebrities are committing acts of serious anti-social behaviour in order to get community service orders. This appears to be the result of some high profile success stories involving the controversial rehabilitation technique.’

The trend is thought to have kicked off when Boy George was sentenced to a week of street sweeping for ‘wasting police time’. George falsely reported a burglary at his New York home. When police arrived he immediately realised his error. He’d simply hidden his stash, for obvious reasons, but then forgot to leave himself a cryptic note so he could find it again. What seemed like a dreadful misshap turned into an emotional epiphany that is certain to land him vital exposure on Oprah and Richard and Judy. George explained to the New Musical Express,

‘People were jumping out of manholes to see me and being really nice. The trick is just to do your job. You get tea breaks and stuff. It can be a real laugh. New York is so clean right now you could eat your dinner off its streets.’

Fans lined the streets of New York for weeks after George’s triumph, availing themselves of the free lox and cream cheese bagels carefully placed on the ground by New York officials. Mayor Michael R Bloomberg gushed, ‘This has been one of our most successful community service orders. Boy George brings his star quality to everything he does.’ George admitted that this is far more adulation than he ever received in his pop career. He recalled tearfully that all those years ago when he said ‘I’d prefer a nice cup of tea’, it was because nobody ever actually offered him one.

Pete Doherty (pictured) was said to be ‘gobsmacked’ (as opposed to just smacked) when he was sentenced to three months as Acting Assistant Deputy Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police. Initially concerned that fans would not be able to observe him carrying out cathartic cleaning duties, he was placated when informed that even Acting Assistant Deputy Commissioners were required to do their own admin including emptying their own waste paper basket. Fans of the Babyshambles singer organised a round the clock vigil next to the wheelie bins at the back of New Scotland Yard so that the cleansing ritual would not go unnoticed.

The celeb crime wave this weekend was thought to have been sparked when Lord Chief Justice, Lord Phillips of Worth Matravers, revealed in an exclusive interview with The Observer newspaper, that he had gone undercover to find out once and for all just how beneficial community service can be for our spoilt, attention-seeking media brats. Pretending to be a convicted drink-driving solicitor, Lord Phillips joined a chain gang tidying up at the Royal Horticultural College following its recent degree show.

'I was sweating away, doing the weeding. After a tea break we brushed and washed down the inside of the underpass, attacking the black ceiling with buckets of water and squeegees. It was pretty foul work. The passageway was fairly revolting. Someone had set fire to a wastepaper basket, so the ceiling was coated in soot and the dirt ran down my arms’, Lord Phillips told The Observer.

It is thought that Lord Phillips’s ignorance of horticulture led to some confusion as he failed to recognise that he was in a new type of eco-house constructed from recycled pigeon guano collected from Trafalgar Square. Pete Doherty has denied setting fire to the wastepaper basket. Suffering BlackBerry deprivation and allowed only a cheese and tomato sandwich prepared by his wife during the gruelling day, Lord Phillips kept his mettle by reading a novel called The Sea by John Banville. Other gang members read The Sun, by Rupert Murdoch.

Following his experience Lord Phillips confirmed his confidence in community service orders. He warned that celebrities should not be sent to our overcrowded prisons, telling The Observer,

'Most of these people are inadequate. If you put them inside they can't make people's lives a misery until they come out and re-offend. [They do so] because you haven't addressed the reason they are such a menace. The public must be educated to distinguish between the brutal, dangerous offender and the inadequate who offends to get money for drugs.'

This seems like a sensible approach. Pete Doherty and Boy George have clearly been successfully offending the general public for years in order to get money for drugs and should not be taking up a valuable place in prison if they cannot be guaranteed to offend anyone in there. The prison population have just as much right as anyone else to be offended by our celebrities.

Photo from The Guardian

No comments: