Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Ma Cherie da mouth

It never occurred to Sharon Osbourne-a-like Cherie Blair that the spouse of a Prime Minister of an even vaguely credible country does not open the door on the morning after an election in a greyed nylon nightie and Bugs Bunny slippers and with hair that has narrowly survived a tornado. Nor does she buy second hand shoes on eBay or indeed properties on the advice of snake oil vendors; unless of course she wishes to keep Richard Curtis supplied with material for all eternity.

Perhaps she has modelled her wifely self on the late Princess Diana, seeking to acquire the ‘common touch’ as a foil to her husband’s transparent distaste for the general public. Princess Diana was never the sharpest rhinestone in the tiara and none of her fawning acolytes was ever game enough to explain to her that the word ‘common’ was interchangeable with ‘vulgar’.

But Cherie has proved much more effective than the departed Princess at discrediting the institution that keeps her in Prada. Whereas Princess Diana needed to smother her doe eyes in charcoal and spend the evening confessing her tawdry secrets to Martin Bashir, Cherie needs only to make an off the cuff remark to no one in particular to consign Gordon ‘Scrooge McDuck’ Brown’s ‘please pick me’ speech to the also today bins of the national media. That is power.

Bloomberg journalist Carolin Letter reported yesterday that she heard Cherie say, ‘Well, that's a lie’, following Scrooge’s declaration, ‘It has been a privilege for me to work with and for the most successful ever Labour leader and Prime Minister’. Routine denials have been issued. Anyone who has ever dissed a supposed ally in that ‘you know, it just slipped out’ way will know you have to deny it. If you insist you didn’t say it, there is nothing anyone can do about it. But everyone knows that you did say it so, mission accomplished. As a decoy, Cherie has certainly proved worth her weight in duck feathers.

Poor old Scrooge must be wondering what he needs do to become Prime Minister although firing his speech writer and hiring Cherie’s unmuzzled mouth as a substitute must have occurred. A few weeks ago it was reported that Scrooge had ordered new curtains for No. 10 and had them delivered to the outrage of Cherie. Some insiders reported that she was more incensed by the choice of Marimekko’s discontinued ‘pound sign’ design than anything else. He had previously claimed to her that he was in favour of Britain switching to the Euro. Still, it may be wise on his part to put the sign writers making up the new Downy Street signs on hold.

The nation’s media has its work cut out for it unpacking the full Louis Vuitton range of motives for Cherie’s behaviour. Anyone who has plunged these inky depths looking for the reason Cherie allowed herself to be photographed sitting on the Prime Ministerial bed with her ‘lifestyle guru’ Carol Caplin, (who was refreshing her lipstick at the time), will know this.

It is never easy to move house and decide what to do with your life next, especially if your main claim to fame is that you are in the Guinness Book of Records for the most bad hair days. Her career as a judge seems stalled after it became apparent that she lacked the one quality a judge actually needs, err, good judgement. That is a shame because the wig certainly solved the bad hair problem. This, along with when would be the right time to have the garage sale, must be weighing heavily on her mind.

Cherie should consider a career as a comedian. Just being herself is obviously out as Sharon Osbourne has got that one gagged and bagged already. Still she does show some signs of talent at joke writing if this one about John Prescott’s affair with his secretary is anything to go by,

‘The cabinet is like an Ikea cabinet - one dodgy screw and it falls apart’.

As the gazumping manoeuvres and sea change discussions continue in Downing/Downy Street, one thing is certain – continue the tartan wars will.

Photo from www.anorak.co.uk

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