Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Fake phallus fails

Surgeons in China have had to remove the world’s first transplanted penis after just two weeks in situ. The recipient, a 44 year old accident victim, showed no signs of physically rejecting the new organ. His wife, however, had other ideas.

‘Because of a severe psychological problem of the recipient and his wife, the transplanted penis regretfully had to be cut off’, pioneering and not best pleased surgeon Dr Hu said following the successful reversal.

The penis, from the body of a man half Mr New Dick’s age was said to be only four inches long. This may have been a factor. It is also believed that Mrs New Dick attended an Ann Summers party last week and may have purchased a novelty dildo.

Professor Jean-Michel Dubernard, the surgeon who grafted a donor face onto a woman who’d been mauled by a dog earlier this year explores the rejection in the journal European Urology, due out next month. He suggests sanguinely,

Psychological consequences of hand and face allografts show that it is not so easy to use and see permanently a dead person's hands, nor is it easy to look in a mirror to see a dead person's face.’

In the 1935 film Mad Love based on Maurice Renard's classic book Les Mains d’Orlac (The Hands of Orlac), a concert pianist receives the transplanted hands of a murderer and suddenly takes up knife throwing instead of practising his arpeggios. It is customary in China to use the organs of executed criminals for transplants. Perhaps the new penis exhibited low moral fibre or had a tattoo bearing the legend, ‘I’m hard, I am.’

Prof Dubernard has been up close and personal with this unfortunate turn of events himself. The hand he grafted onto 50 year old New Zealander Chris Hallam in 2001 had to be amputated. Hallam asked for the ‘hideous and withered’ appendage to be removed because he had become ‘mentally detached’ from it, bringing new meaning to the term, ‘being dealt a bad hand’. Maybe it’s like trying on a frock that doesn’t fit properly. You need it. You like the idea of it but it’s just not you.

A hand is one thing but a man’s relationship with his penis is much more sensitive. Heterosexual men are uncomfortable about looking at other men’s penises and only do so to satisfy themselves that theirs is better. Poor old Mr New Dick must have found that very confusing. A trip to the public urinal must have filled him with unprecedented dread. Maybe he felt a bit gay. Maybe Mrs New Dick felt unfaithful or unfulfilled, or both.

‘Clearly, in the Chinese case the failure at a very early stage was first psychological. It involved the recipient's wife and raised many questions’, concludes Prof Dubernard. Questions were raised if nothing else was. It will be interesting to see just what those questions are and who is going to be game enough to ask them.

Men will go to any lengths to be reunited with their own members and their fellows will do anything to help. Police officers searched all night to recover John Wayne Bobbitt’s penis in 1993 after his disgruntled wife Lorena severed it and chucked it into the woods from the window of her speeding car. Clearly they remain indifferent to the welfare of anyone else’s, even if it is acting as their stand-in.

I wonder why Mr New Dick didn’t just get a prosthetic job. If he is in any doubt about potential suppliers I can forward on the contents of my inbox.

Cartoon originally published on www.boomersfunnies.com

No comments: