Sunday, September 10, 2006

The Duckburg Doldrums

A few days ago I was thinking we were dealing with the dullest political intrigue since Michael Portillo mislaid his sexual identity. Then Charles ‘Grizzly’ Clarke strode in. Grizzly was last seen on ‘Big Bear Week’ being chased away from a McDonalds just outside Saskatchewan with a stacker quad in each fist. Amazingly he found time to give long interviews to two newspapers between glasses of Cabernet Sauvignon this week.

Yesterday Grizzly called Gordon ‘Scrooge McDuck’ Brown ‘absolutely stupid’, ‘a control freak’ and accused him of having ‘psychological issues’. He also said Scrooge’s ‘massive weakness is that he can’t work with people.’ Well, yeah. We, like, knew that, right? I thought nobody minded about any of that stuff. Aren’t we sort of used to prime ministers with huge personality disorders? Isn’t being ‘deluded’ one of the essential qualities on the person spec.

Grizzly and Scrooge have form. Grizzly, previously known as Beagle Boy No. 176-761, has attempted several daring raids on the McDuck money bin. Disguised as Home Secretary he cooked up scams involving student finance and ID cards and then tried to get a new computer system installed. Scrooge twigged to all of this quite quickly as he knew the government doesn’t actually spend money on people or things, only ideas.

Meanwhile the Leylandii between the fences at Numbers 10 and 11 Downing Street grows ever higher. As Tony Blair is tonight in Jerusalem trying to help other people out with their neighbour disputes, Scrooge is most likely out with the Baby Bio and the watering can.

Tony has had a big day. He spoke for twenty minutes in one continuous sentence at the Progress conference this morning, in a style that echoed Allen Ginsberg in his Howl period. Sifting the metaphors for meaning was not easy but the main thrust seemed to be the old way out is now the new way in. Undoubtedly it was a cry for a peaceful settlement but I believe he has had the numbers switched in Downing Street in anticipation of a Watergate-style break-in by Huey, Dewey and Louie while he’s abroad.

Rumours are circulating in Whitehall tonight that Scrooge still has his eye on the premiership, and may have a style make-over including charisma implants. He will also receive private lessons from Sharon Osbourne on how to build up a huge personal following despite lacking any redeeming features. He will be changing beauty consultants as the Botox he got at Boots yesterday formed his face into an alarming grin that frightened the Bejesus out of the entire country. Not a good look.

It’s already being mooted that if he’s elected, Downing Street will be renamed Downy Street. Grizzly has nowhere to go but up now. He needed a new set of portfolio pictures for Ugly, his casting agency and there is a new Popeye film in the offing in which he is likely to be up for the role of Brutus.

So Duckburg smoothes its ruffled feathers for another night with only one thing certain, there will be omelettes for breakfast tomorrow.

Scrooge McDuck Disney Comics

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