Thursday, September 28, 2006

Driza bone

Every so often, when I have nothing better to do, I idle over one of those old proverbs that Victorian ladies used to embroider onto samplers which they hung on walls next to flying ducks. I’d look at one and think, Oh right, a stitch in time saves nine. It’s something to do with cricket and ball tampering. Like a lot of things in life, they don’t make much sense on the face of it.

Following the conviction of Brazilian cleaner Rosalene Driza (37) for her own special brand of ball tampering, the meaning of ‘you shouldn’t hang out your dirty linen in public’, has become crystal clear to me. It means it’s a bad idea to have lots of sex with an illegal immigrant married to an Albanian mafia hit man, in your best M&S lounge suit and send her post-coital emails extolling her real chilli hot stuffedness and lovely shagginess if you are an immigration judge. It is further a very bad idea to keep videos of previous sexual romps with fellow judges prominent on the shelf of your living room when you have hired said illegal immigrant to dust it on a daily basis.

Poor old Judge Mohammed Ilyas Khan, the witness formerly known as Judge I until an order protecting his identity was lifted yesterday, did not heed. Sixty year old Khan had had a five year relationship with another Judge, known as Judge J and they’d hired Driza as their cleaner, knowing she was an illegal immigrant. Presumably they felt this to be a good thing because they could threaten her with deportation if she missed a bit while mopping the floor and five quid an hour in the hand certainly beats extortionate agency fees. Being immigration judges you know that you will end up with an illegal immigrant anyway but you’ll be paying twelve quid an hour instead.

Everything bounced along fine until Judge J split with Khan and acquired yet another immigration judge as her new lover, Judge N. There can’t be too many immigration judges left who are not involved in this story. No wonder there is such a big backlog down at Somerset House. The proverb ‘two is company and three is a party’ was overlooked by Judge J as she promptly fired Driza for interfering with her personal life. This is the person who looks for streaks in your undies, cleans your toilet with your electric toothbrush and eats all your gherkins. After five years, it suddenly dawns on you that they know all there is to know about you.

Khan, who had taken Driza on as his cleaner in his new flat, promptly fired her too, presumably for not interfering enough in his private life because she soon moved in as his lover. This was a good deal for Khan as he still got his cleaning done and saved the fiver an hour. It all went horribly wrong when J discovered the pair together and Driza swiftly found herself relieved of her feather duster. This is when she conceived of the cunning plan to steal the videotapes which supposedly show Khan and J having sex and snorting cocaine. Twenty thousand quid seems like a fair price for getting these back to me. If she’d shown them at Cannes she could have gotten twice that.

At the trial it came out that Driza had married an Albanian named Mane who is being sought in Britain for killing a Kosovan called Mone and is now serving twenty years in prison in Italy for killing someone else. I am reminded of the ongoing ‘Barbie’ case in South Africa where two advocates (barristers) are accused of multiple sex and exploitation crimes. ‘Advocate Barbie’, real name Cezanne Visser, is so known because she participated in a talent contest where she flashed her newly enhanced 34DD chest. Presumably Pamela Anderson didn’t enter because she had not yet passed her bar exams.

‘Barbie, for me, represents an aspiration to outer perfection in a feminine, sexy and sensual way,’ Visser explained as a point of clarification.

The cases are eerily similar in so many ways, not least of all the shocking involvement of a trio of French Impressionist painters, none of whom had previously been in any trouble with the law.

Now the blackmail case is out of the way, it is rumoured the BBC intend to offer Driza a reality cleaning show called, How Clean Is Your Character? Former FIFA secretary Faria Alam is set to co-star. The raven-haired temptresses will sweep through the houses of the rich and famous in search of soiled moral fibre and jars of gherkins. A BBC insider said today, ‘this show will be bigger than Customs & Excise Undercover. Celebrities with out-of-date gherkins will be named and shamed.’ I don’t think this is actually an old proverb but it makes a lot of sense to me - Where there is pâté, you will find gherkins.

Photo from The Scotsman

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