Sunday, August 27, 2006

Dude, where's my lip gloss?

It was almost too much to bear. Three and a half glorious hours (including ad breaks) of Dynasty : The Reunion. What better way to spend a rainy bank holiday Saturday afternoon? The soft focus took a bit of getting used to again. For the first twenty minutes I thought I’d got my contact lenses in the wrong way round. What had become of those beloved Carrington/Colbys when the series ended with the decade that had spawned it? The last we saw of Alexis Colby she was lying in a crumpled heap on top of Dex. Nothing unusual in that on the face of it except this time, the pair had been pushed over a balcony.

The Reunion, set three years on, begins with Blake being visited in jail by Jeff Colby. This is a masterstroke as it allows a complete reveal of the plot and rundown of the cast list in three minutes leaving the other 207 free for candle-lit slow dancing and failed attempts on Blake’s life. ‘What of Fallon?’.. ‘Fallon, who is as you know my wife, pending divorce, which incidentally I don’t want, is now living out in California with our children etc. etc.’ No mention then of how she escaped from the cave she was trapped in with Krystina and a cache of looted Nazi art works. ‘Any news of Krystle?’ Blake asks hopefully after articulating the main plot point which is that there is a sinister organisation called ‘The Consortium’ conspiring to annex capitalism. (You can see where Dan Brown got his inspiration). ‘Still in a coma’, Jeff sighs.

Cut to Krystle, vacant blue eyes and helmet hair, shoulders of which any shot putter would be proud, smiling her ridiculous peach gloss smile, being brainwashed (if such a thing is possible) by an evil doctor in a Geneva ‘clinique’. Yup. She’s still in a coma. Conveniently, Blake gets released from jail and Krystle escapes from the ‘clinique’ on the same day. Rather sweetly, they appear to have matching luggage. Krystle’s small suitcase is a bit of a tardis in that she manages to extract at least fifty different outfits from it.

Blake heads off to Washington to stay with Steven and his partner Bart. Steven still hasn’t forgiven his father for refusing to participate in his coming out by chanting ‘Steven is gay, Steven is gay’, with the rest of the family so things are a bit prickly to begin with. Steven is in a bit of a strop anyway because he’s just failed in his valiant attempt to save the Spotted Salamander. I assumed that this was a gay bar, but no, sensitive Steven has become an ecologist. He means the actual spotted salamander.

Having established the need for utmost secrecy, Blake and Steven then retire to a busy Washington eatery to openly discuss Blake’s conspiracy theory and speculate on how many top government officials are involved. Meanwhile half the cast decamp to Geneva where Jeff gets captured by the mysterious CEO of ‘The Consortium’. Jeremy Van Dorn is known to almost everyone and his name dropped so many times, I started to think it might be an anagram. I tested it and all I could come up with was Very Jarn Demon.

Krystle and Blake are reunited with each other and their daughter Krystina (whom they just as quickly forget about) at the California home of Fallon. The only interesting thing about Emma Samms, who plays Fallon is that her name is very nearly a palindrome. Her timing is so bad she has to answer her own questions as by the time she’s asked them, the other actor has left the room.

The reunited Carringtons set up home in a humble Virginia cottage. Once Blake has placed the martini glasses and swizzle sticks on the mantel piece, he sets about the business of seducing his wife. But wait a minute, Krystle has been programmed to kill her husband after they’ve made love. Fortunately for all, Krystle is such a lousy shot that her two attempts to carry out this mission fail. Blake’s ardour is undiminished. Remember this is before Viagra was invented. Respect.

Back in Geneva, Jeff’s idiot brother Miles hatches possibly the worst escape plan in history. He asks his accomplices Adam Carrington and some butler’s daughter who came along for the ride ‘what did the Greeks use to get into Troy?’ This yields blank looks so he takes a wild stab. I’m guessing that the Greeks didn’t send a wine vat with Miles Colby inside. The rescue succeeds mainly because the Swiss fight like girls – in fact there seem to be rather a lot of girls fighting. Alexis and Krystle find time to reprise their famous chat spat, this time in a clothing factory in a bonanza of flying beads, sequins, braids and boas. Lovely.

All’s well in the end. Blake and Krystle reinstall their matching luggage in Carrington Mansions and settle down to watch videos. Even Alexis who has to be rescued from the pool house where the evil Van Dorn has improvised a carbon monoxide poisoning device as a parting gesture, joins in the gaieties. Sadly, the careful set-up for a sequel (Van Dorn is ‘arrested’ by cronies posing as police), was never realised. The world is the poorer for it.

No comments: